Brought to book?

CUNNING Diary correspondent Jack Smith tried reverse psychology on his teenage son. It was early afternoon, and the lad was ensconced in his bedroom, where he’d been lurking all day.

So dad knocked on the bedroom door and said: “I hope you’re not reading a book in there! You better be on your phone, watching TikTok videos.”

(Alas, the fiendish plot to make Jack’s son more literate failed. The last we heard, the young lad was still in his bedroom, about to proudly watch his 1,500th TikTok video of the day...)

Racy rockers

SOCIAL media is a place of raucous and rude ruminations, which the Diary tends to avoid, for we seek the more sedate, contemplative life.

However, we did stumble upon this racy tweet from Scottish author Sophie Campbell, who says: “One of my friends had Cullen skink when we were out for lunch yesterday, and it gave me an idea for a name for a Scottish metal band… Skull n Kink. Auditions commence in 2023.”

Tea for shoe

GOOD advice for readers looking to make the year 2023 a roaring success. Says Gavin Cowen: “If you put dry teabags in your shoes, the teabags will absorb the odour, and your shoes will smell great.”

He adds: “I have to admit, the tea tastes pretty bad, so it’s almost not worth it.”

On the sauce

THE husband of reader Rosie Fenn made French toast for himself while she was at work. Intrigued to discover if the culinary enterprise succeeded, she texted him, asking: “How was the French toast? Did you try that maple syrup we bought?”

Hubby replied: “Try it? I drank it like a fine wine.”

Confides Rosie to the Diary: “Okay, it was M&S maple syrup, though my husband gets a little bit carried away sometimes.”

Making whoopee?

THE intrepid Diary has unearthed a curious internet job advertisement. An assistant is sought for a company intriguingly titled the Fandabi Dozi YouTube channel.

What will this assistant be charged with doing? We can but speculate.

Perhaps the successful candidate will be someone willing to wear a school cap, make insulting remarks, and fire a peashooter at innocent passers-by.

Alas, upon studying the prosaic details, we discover that video-editing experience, a driver’s licence and self-motivation are more keenly desired.

And not one solitary mention of wielding a whoopee cushion with panache.

Cold calling

“I ALWAYS take a portly penguin to social gatherings,” reveals reader Nicola Wilson. “It really helps break the ice.”