Up to par

THE year 2023 continues to grind ponderously into gear, like a rusty second-hand motor sold by Arthur Daley.

No wonder most sensible folk are content to hibernate under the duvet, at least until May, when the sun will hopefully have programmed its sat nav to guide it to Scotland.

Though not everyone is huddled indoors. Reader Norman Moore ventured to his local golf club the other afternoon, where big changes are under way.

“A new rule has been introduced,” says Norman. “Members aren’t allowed to discuss their rounds while drinking in the bar. This must be the case, because management have hung up a sign which says: ‘No Course Language, Please’.”

Dire decade

IT’S been reported that, on average, a 40-year-old Londoner of today will live a decade longer than a Glaswegian.

Diary reader Ken Deane relayed this grim news to his father, who merely shrugged his shoulders, and said: “Aye, son. But that’s 10 extra years you have to live in London.”

Take a bow

THE boastful husband of reader Joanna Bradley said to her: “I don’t need to go to a gym. I’m as fit as a fiddle.”

To which Joanna responded: “You certainly are. Though not a Stradivarius. More of a junkyard fiddle that’s riddled with woodworm.”

In the drink?

AN energetic thought from reader Roger Cleaver, who says: “Skiing and snowboarding are technically water sports.”

Mad love

YOUNG romance, ain’t it grand? Reader Beverley Stewart was on the Whitecraigs train into Glasgow when she overheard a teenage chap talking to his female companion, presumably his girlfriend.

Said this gallant Romeo to his Juliet: “Y’know, I love you.”

To which Juliet responded: “Stop cringing me out.”

“But I really do,” persisted Romeo.

“Oh god,” shuddered Juliet, “you’re making me nauseous.”

Bonnie’s bealin’

FAMILY get-togethers don’t always run smoothly, as reader Sarah Stevens discovered when she took her 11-year-old daughter, Anna, to visit an elderly aunt in an old age home.

It had been a while since the last such visit, leading the elderly aunt to coo delightedly over little Anna. Though perhaps the old lady was a tad confused when she trilled: “Och, just look at the bonnie wee thing. She’s turned from a butterfly into a caterpillar.”

The bonnie wee thing was not amused.

Read more from the Diary: Trying to play a fast one with Pele

Renouncing renounced

OUR optimistic readers are discussing their New Year resolutions. Chris Forsyth from Stewarton triumphantly says: “I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year. But then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.”