Mission impossible

WE’RE discussing that elusive state of being called optimism. Sid Leslie from Kirkintilloch has found an excellent example of this quality from across the pond.

“The greatest optimists must be the FBI,” says Sid, “for they searched Donald Trump's Florida mansion at Mar-a-Lago for anything that could conceivably be classified as intelligence.”

A dog’s life

THESE are heady times for republicans, for the once-solid House of Windsor now seems like a patched and tattered pup tent being buffeted by a hurricane named Harry.

Diary correspondent Jim Lawrie believes that instead of revelling in all the revelations, the public should be more concerned about the innocent victim in this tragic story.

“Does the royal dug have a compensation claim against Wills for the breaking of his crockery?” Jim demands to know.

Heading for horizontal

DYNAMIC reader Tom Fenn says: “Every day I wake up and begin the 16-hour process of getting ready for bed.”

The water works

PANTO season is almost over for another year. (“Oh no it’s not!” “No, actually it really is.”) But our correspondents still have pleasant memories of past productions.

Retired politician Sir Brian Donohoe recalls a young girl who was taken to a panto. The delightful experience was somewhat soured when the villain of the show appeared, and the girl started to weep copious tears of terror until her father led her from the X-rated horror show.

At a later date the kindly father took the same timorous young lady to a fireworks exhibition. As she was a little thing, he placed her on his shoulders to give her a better view.

This proved to be a tactical error.

The fireworks commenced with a mighty bang; the little girl responded with a squeal and a scoosh, as she peed all over her father’s shoulders.

Sir Brian informs us that this was the young lady’s last outing for quite some time.

Death still doubtful

A TRUTHFUL thought from reader Nigel Harris, who says: “Despite the rising cost of living, it remains popular.”

Quiz query

VISITING her grandmother recently, reader Emma Owen asked what the elderly lady had been doing with herself.

“Staying in, watching telly,” came the reply. “I like that Blankety Blanket.”

To which Emma responded: “Is that the quiz show where you get the chance to win a duvet?”

Read more from the Diary: Royal author gets cold shoulder thanks to a Penguin

House rules

“THE one good thing to come out of my gambling addiction,” says reader Paul Muir, “is it brought the family closer together – we had to move into a smaller house.”