Is it good to talk? No, Prince Harry, not always

It seems members of the royal family have read this page of the manual, with the notable exception of Prince Harry. Instead, he is yapping his head off, all to no avail. So far, he has done an interview with Oprah Winfrey; made a six-part Netflix documentary; and, as of yesterday, published his memoir Spare, the first in a promised four-book deal with Penguin Random House.

All his projects so far have taken direct aim at his family’s alleged shortcomings, in the hope, it seems, of prompting a response that might help them clear the air. Yet no matter how loudly he yelps, he is being studiously ignored, like a needy corgi.

Only while the late Queen was alive was there any feedback to the accusations levelled by her grandson against his nearest and dearest. Since this consisted of the gentle statement that “some recollections may vary”, following the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s sit-down with Oprah, it was obviously insufficient to address the couple’s litany of complaints.

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So notable is the silence emanating from the Palace this week it is almost tangible. If this were a Charles Dickens novel, fog would be wreathing the chimney-pots and creeping through the wrought-iron gates, emphasising the emotional chilliness and distance between those indoors and Harry, out on a limb beyond its walls. Indeed, with every complaint and revelation he makes, the ramparts of the palace seem to grow thicker.

William’s friends have expressed outrage at his brother’s most recent attacks, particularly since, as one says, the Prince of Wales is “a sitting duck, because Harry knows he isn’t going to retaliate”. At the time of writing that remains true, although how long he, and the rest, can hold their peace remains to be seen.

If they are wise, however – and so far it seems they intend to carry on without offering anything that might escalate the situation – they will maintain their position of staying schtum. It is a noble tradition among royals, an art so entrenched that the House of Windsor’s coat of arms should bear the motto “No Comment”.

This principle has long formed the bedrock of its defensive position when under attack. Admittedly, it has not always served the family well, as after Diana’s death, when the lack of response from Elizabeth made her seem heartless and out of touch. In the current situation, however, saying nothing is surely by far the best tactic.

If there is to be any hope of healing the rift, which Harry appears to be widening daily, it will not be achieved by lobbing back insults or grievances. The only prospect of reconciliation lies in sitting down together, away from the media glare, and talking things through.

Whether that can ever happen is impossible to say. Not for a considerable time to come – if ever – would be my guess. Harry’s default position is to air every grievance, nurtured over a lifetime, to a global audience. There’s no doubting that he is a man in pain, broken by the loss of his mother in childhood.

Thereafter he ricocheted through life, until he met his wife and settled down. Embarrassing or rash revelations in his memoir about losing his virginity, suffering a frost-bitten penis or taking drugs can be chalked up to immaturity. It’s harder to be forgiving about his tallying of the Taliban he killed, or pot shots taken at his relatives.

Many adjectives can be applied to Prince Hal, but reticent is not on the list. The infamous British stiff upper lip has no part in his make-up. Some, of course, will say this is no bad thing. William is famously reserved, yet by all reports has a hot temper; this may, or may not, be the result of bottling everything up. Harry, meanwhile, has gone down another path, where baring one’s soul is assumed to be the road to happiness.

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Yet is being buttoned-up and unforthcoming so terrible? Do we have to spill out and pore over our deepest hurts and traumas in order to thrive? Isn’t it sometimes better to accept what has happened, and, after a period of adjusting, move on?

Clearly, with someone whose mother died in such tragic circumstances, there could be profoundly difficult issues to be addressed years later. In such circumstances, speaking to a professional psychotherapist makes sense. Yet it would seem that Harry has adopted the Californian notion that talking to a shrink is an everyday event. Tellingly, when William is said to have knocked him to the ground, it was his therapist he first called rather than his wife.

Therapy for Harry makes sense given the tragic circumstances of his mother Princess Diana – but is the Californian notion of an everyday therapist really helpful? (Image: Newsquest)

I’m not convinced it’s always a good idea to stir up stuff that happened ages ago. It’s like disturbing the sludge at the bottom of a primeval swamp, dredging up all sorts of memories which might be better left untouched. Recycling problems on a never-ending loop is pretty much guaranteed to keep you in their grip.

It is one thing to seek help with a deep-seated problem, and try to find a way to work through and beyond it; quite another endlessly to pick over old resentments, keeping them alive like Tam O’Shanter’s wife, who nursed her wrath so that it was perpetually at boiling point.

While acknowledging the enormous value of therapy in the right circumstances, some psychotherapists have begun to question the benefit of raking over the same old ground. This will be a relief to the sort of Brits who are, by nature, less open to the idea of self-examination than those raised in more open and disinhibited cultures. For this type, it’s a case of keeping quiet and getting on with things as best they can.

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Obviously there’s a happy medium between seeking help when it’s badly needed and becoming dependent on hearing “your truth” so often that it becomes a refrain. For the moment, Harry seems to be trapped in that unhealthy cycle. Using his memoir – and other media appearances – as a loud hailer, he seems intent on breaching the palace walls and getting the apologies he is adamant he deserves. As tactics go, he’s making a dog’s breakfast of it.