The big chill

THE recent assault of cold weather doesn’t intimidate the Diary reporters. That’s because we are a hardy fellowship, stout of heart, indomitable of spirit.

Another reason being that the chilly outdoors never gets the opportunity to invade Diary Towers, for we have a log fire crackling merrily in the office, and Junior – our 98-year-old copy boy – is regularly charged with chopping down redwoods to replenish our stockpile of logs.

(You may recall that, after 82 years with the company, Junior recently bagged his first promotion, and became a bona fide reporter. Alas, he was demoted a week later, after forgetting to wear the Diary uniform to work, which consists of spats, waistcoat, bow tie and homburg hat.)

But we digress… back to those winter chills.

Cameron Merriweather from Larkhall tells us that his grandfather used to say during the freezing weather: "This is cold enough to test your Frosticles".

The bear truth?

COLD weather, continued. Ken McLean from Bridge of Allan recalls being a fresh GP in Denny.

One wintry morning an elderly lady patient started the consultation by saying: “Affy cauld the day, doctor.”

Our man replied that it was, indeed, and that he’d heard that there were polar bears at the Cross.

Her immediate response was: “Oh? I cam here the other wey.”

Says Ken: “It was a salutary lesson to a young GP that the surgery was not the best place for humour.”

Pretty poor show

BAD news for vivacious Aberdonian MP Michael Gove. The poor chap is deemed to be merely number 10 in a study of the most attractive politicians.

There’s even worse news for glam guy Gove – Nigel Farage and Jeremy Corbyn were higher up the list.


Hat hate

BEMUSED Bryce Drummond from Kilmarnock fails to comprehend why youths, and even some older men, wear skip caps in restaurants and cafes.

“On holiday recently, I even saw a swimmer in the hotel pool bedecked in a skip,” harrumphs Bryce.

“Another similarly-adorned adult stepped in front of a pétanque player, in the act of delivering a bowl, only to be shouted down with: ‘Hey, Jimmy. That's no a safety hat yer wearing.’”

Read more from the Diary: In mourning for the loss of a legend

Democracy demoted

AN astute political observation from reader Nicola Munro, who explains: “In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.”

The gambling bug

INTRIGUED reader Beth Davis recently spotted a sign in a shop which read: ‘Mosquito nets £10.’

Says Beth: “I didn’t even know bugs could play the lottery.”