Et in Arcadia

WHITECRAIGS is one of the more salubrious districts of Glasgow, where razors are used to smooth a stubbly chin, never to settle a debate.

Yet even in Arcadia all is not well. For we learn that – gasp! – graffiti has besmirched a Whitecraigs wall.

Though our readers should not be too outraged by this assault on Eden, for this is no barbaric scrawl, but a political message to the masses, which reads: “In a society with no adventure, the only adventure is to destroy society.”

Will the good folk of Whitecraigs take heed of this revolutionary call to arms, and snap their golf clubs, shred their Pringle jumpers, and charge through the aisles of Marks & Spencer, grabbing glutton-free sourdough and refusing to pay at the checkout?

The Diary will keep you posted... if our brave correspondents survive the coming apocalypse.

Challenging puzzle

WE return to the topic of nifty nicknames. Ian Noble from Carstairs Village informs us that the late Bamber Gascoigne, of University Challenge fame, was known as "Shilling".

Says Ian: “Older readers will be able to figure out why.”

Tip-top toddler tip

HELPFUL Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie was assisting his four-year-old grandson with putting on his shoe.

When it came to the second shoe, the little chap advised that gran should also contribute her expertise because: "Team work makes dream work.”

“What are they teaching him at nursery?” marvels Malcolm.

Walter? Wit Walter?

THE Age of Enlightenment was a period in history when great thinkers such as Adam Smith and David Hume overturned the rusty assumptions of previous generations. A glorious time of intellectual inquisitiveness and the daring dismantling of dogma, which made the world a smarter place to hang out in.

Alas, not everyone got the memo about being smarter.

Glasgow history teacher Heather Thompson was telling a class about the Enlightenment, specifically the French intellectuals of the period.

One eager young scholar thrust a hand in the air, then said: “You sure this Walter guy wis French, an’ no frae o’er here? Walter doesnae sound French tae me.”

Says Heather: “The cunning lad thought he’d caught me out, until I explained that the intellectual in question wasn’t Walter, but Voltaire.”

Read more from the Diary: What are the chances of Steve Clarke's men beating Brazil?

Confusing contradiction

OBSERVANT reader Les Campbell was strolling along Garscube Road when he spotted a sign outside a health centre saying "Patient Parking".

Les assumes this is some sort of oxymoron.

Nice ‘n' nasty

A MIXED message from reader Melony Shaw, who says: “I’m an optimistic pessimist. I’m positive things will go wrong.”