• Italian stallion

WE recently reported that, at the age of 79, Robert De Niro had become a rather elderly parent, which some of our shocked correspondents thought was a bit of a Robert De No-No.

Now it seems that Bob’s buddy in the acting game, Al Pacino, is also to sire a child, at the sprightly age of 83.

Reader Darren Bartley suggests a suitably Italian name for Pacino’s sprog: “Finito Pacino has a nice ring to it,” he says. “It’ll also serve as a reminder to this elderly Pop, that it’s now time to stop…”

  • Seeing red

WHEN she was a student, reader Beverley Randall worked part-time as a waitress in Glasgow city centre. One of her fellow waitresses had a reputation for being rude to customers.

Beverley was once serving a nearby table when she witnessed a customer hand the cheeky waitress an exceedingly small tip, whilst saying: “Here you go, luv. When your shift’s finished you can use that to paint the town red.”

Staring incredulously at the meagre number of coins rattling around on her palm, the cheeky waitress snorted: “I’d love to paint the town red. But I’m certainly no’ gonnie be able to gie it two coats, am I?”

  • Food for thought

A HERALD contributor recently gave a fulsome endorsement to that most delightful of vegetables, the majestic pea, which reminds Russell Smith from Largs of his father, who was very proud of his variety of homegrown veg.

So much so, that he often gave the following curious dining advice to his son, who he ordered to: “Eat up every potato and pea on your plate.”

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  • Meaty mauling

A PHILOSOPHICAL thought from reader Sylvia Herbert, who notes: “To say ‘You absolutely butchered that’ is an insult in every single profession… except one.”

  • Heart-y humour

WE continue to celebrate the talent of sport commentators to improvise memorable remarks. Gordon Fisher from Stewarton recalls when Hearts were playing in Europe.

One of the greats of Scottish football broadcasting, Fraser Elder, quipped that the German opponents, Lokomotive Leipzig, were “going like a train". 

  • Spelling it out

PUB landlords – they’re a cunning bunch. Gordon McRae tells us that a new sign appeared on the pub wall, which read: 'No crefdit given here'.

One observant and well-educated punter remarked: "There's nae eff in credit."

“That's right,” agreed the barman. "It's cash only in here."

  • Passed-on prestidigitator

A DEAD funny gag from reader Craig Wilson, who asks: “What do you call a dead magician? An abracadaver.”