Legal eagle

THE divorce courts are grim places, where love goes to die. Though they occasionally provide us with descriptive words or phrases which come in handy in a more celebratory atmosphere…

On Saturday reader Karen Taylor spotted a posse of cock-a-whooping women tottering out of Central Station in their evening finery, which included Venus flytrap eyelashes, plus several coats of fake tan, which gave the gals the glossy walnut finish of an antique Victorian writing bureau.

“Oi!” screeched one of the giddy debutantes, showing a keen understanding of marital law, “which wan o’ yous has goat custody o’ the vodka bottle?”

Monkeying around

THE excitable six-year-old son of reader Ross Norton was thrilled that his older sister was having a school chum staying over and he couldn’t wait to share the news with dad.

“Guess who’s coming for a sleepover!” trilled the little fellow.

Before Ross could reply, his son generously provided him with two options.

“Is it Jennifer,” he said, “or King Kong?”

It must have been Ross’s lucky day, because he guessed Jennifer, and got it spot on.

Smooth operator

IF there was a competition for cheesy chat, it would surely be won by the bloke who reader Deborah Stevenson overheard in the Waterstones café on Sauchiehall Steet.

He was with a young lady, and from their conversation it was clear that this was their first in-person meeting, for they had hooked up on an internet dating site.

At one point the chap said: “It’s interesting that all the photographs you post of yourself are in black and white.”

“No,” replied the woman thoughtfully, “I’m sure I posted some colour photos, too.”

“Really?” said the chap, feigning astonishment. “I could have sworn they were all in black and white. Which explains why, when I met you, I was surprised that your eyes are so strikingly blue.”

Labour pains

OUTRAGED at the unfairness of the world, reader Chris Wilson says: “All I’ve ever wanted is an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.”

Comic capers

WE mentioned that one of Scotland’s pre-eminent works of literature, The Beano, is evolving, and the protagonists of the stories are becoming more representative of our times.

Reader Judy Flynn points out that there’s already an adult version of the bespectacled, sneaky swot who is Dennis the Menace’s sworn enemy.

Says Judy: “Walter the Softy has surely trans-Mogg-rified into Jacob Rees-Mogg.”

Barking mad name

PET-LOVING reader Douglas Gibbs says: “I have a pure bread dog. His name is Fidough.”