Battered is best

COMEDIAN and host of Absolute Radio’s Rock ‘N’ Roll Football, Matt Forde, is enjoying a visit to Edinburgh, where the Nottingham native is partaking of the local delicacies, which include deep-fried pizza.

This intoxicating mash-up of Italian and Scottish culinary techniques leads Matt to swoon: “If you've not had battered pizza before, you've got to try it. It's excellent and exactly how the Italians intended it to be eaten.”

The Italian nation has not yet responded to Matt’s excitable encomium, though we assume their UK Ambassador is at this very moment drafting a glowing missive, heartily endorsing the statement.

Saucy singing

MORE from Edinburgh, as we saunter over to the Fringe, where reader Barrie Crawford enjoyed a performance by singer Bruce Davies, who at one point recalled the first time he was interviewed on American radio.

Bruce didn’t think the title of the show he appeared on would be acceptable in super censorious Scotia.

It’s name? Friday Night Folk Up.

Directionless men

A HERALD scribe recently commented on the navigational skills of both sexes.

Says Bryce Drummond from Kilmarnock: “Male directional powers were discredited when Christopher Columbus tried to sail to India, but instead crashed into the Caribbean.”

In a fix

STOUTLY coping with seasickness, the landlubber Diary sallies forth with another sea shanty tale.

Former sailor Malcolm Boyd says: “I recall a crucial maintenance procedure undertaken at sea, which is known as the Fresh Air Treatment.

“It involves dismantling a piece of troublesome machinery, then discovering that there is nothing wrong with it. No broken parts or casings, etc.

“On reassembling, and subsequently testing the machinery, it somehow works better than ever. Yet the only thing you’ve done is give it a healthy airing – hence the Fresh Air Treatment.”

The name game

NEWTON Mearns Diary correspondent Gilbert MacKay is a man for all seasons.

He gets in touch to say: “It's nearly time for the September gales. So I'm wondering if BBC Scotland's weatherman, Calum MacColl, is the Calum before the storm.”

Vanishing act

THE other day reader Dawn Clark told her teenage daughter about the mysterious Bermuda Triangle, where aircrafts and ships have often gone missing.

“I’m always losing stuff in Glasgow city centre,” replied Dawn’s daughter. “Maybe it should be called the West of Scotland Oblong.”

Musical musings

“I WAS asked in a job interview if I could perform under pressure,” says reader Neil White. “I said that I certainly could. I also do a great version of Bohemian Rhapsody.”