Footy faux pas

EDINBURGH writer and ardent kickyball fan Irvine Welsh was a tad confused when someone asked him on Saturday who was going to win Sunday’s big match.

“I immediately thought that I expected Hibs to beat Raith and West Ham to defeat Chelsea,” he admits. “Then I was told about the women’s World Cup final…”

Munchable moos

CONVIVIAL reader Jane Davies was out in Glasgow’s West End on Saturday night with a group of gal pals. Approaching the end of the booze-addled evening, one of Jane’s friends made a startling confession.

“D’you know what?” she slurred, “I’ve always wanted a pet.”

(Okay, we accept this particular revelation doesn’t seem especially startling, but persevere faithful reader, the narrative is bound to perk up a bit.)

“Maybe get a dog?” said one of the pals.

“Or a cat?” suggested another.

“No, no,” said the first woman, shaking her head contemptuously. “What I need is a pet cow.”

The lady in question conceded that this might involve logistical problems as she happens to live in the top floor of a tenement block.

Though on the plus side, she added: “I just love the black and white colours. They’re like Oreo biscuits on legs.”

Flurry of fails

GLUM reader Audrey Robertson recalls her less than glorious high school career. “I ended up getting Ds in all of my Highers,” she admits. “Which was very D grading.”

Food for thought

EXASPERATED Ian Noble from Carstairs gets in touch with The Diary to wail: “Why is the hardness of butter proportional to the softness of the bread?”


A CULTURED chum of reader Ken Gibson was discussing Pablo Picasso the other day, expounding on the Spanish painter’s attitude towards his art.

“He admitted that he got a lot of his ideas from the work of others,” explained the chum. “In fact, he once said: ‘Mediocre artists borrow. Great artists steal.’”

Ken was impressed by this pithy quote, and replied: “Did Picasso really say that?”

“I’m not sure,” admitted the chum. “Probably just nabbed it from someone else.”

Groupie gorging

BEING a connoisseur of delicious cuisine and a fan of great music, reader David Donaldson has decided to combine both pastimes by rustling up a tasty snack while listening to his favourite tunes.

So later on today he’ll be enjoying… Crosby, Stills and Mash.

Pass on ass

“THE last time I visited Blackpool I went on a donkey,” says reader Andy Gillespie. “Took me ages. Next time I’m going by train.”