Table talk

THE wife of reader Ken Wilson often visits cafes on her own, to enjoy quality time with a novel.

The other day she returned from one such excursion in a frustrated mood.

“I was so annoyed with the couple at the next table,” she harrumphed. “They kept preventing me from reading my book.”

“Were they being too loud?” asked Ken.

“No,” replied the wife. “They were speaking pretty quietly, actually. But their conversation was just so interesting. I had to put my book down to concentrate, so I didn’t miss the juicy bits.”

The shame game

GLASGOW student Sharon Kerr tells us that her flatmate was grumping because he’d have to endure a half-hour walk to the nearest supermarket, then wait in a long checkout queue.

Sharon stared at him as if he was daft.

“But you know there’s a wee shop across the road,” she said. “It’s always very quiet and you can get everything you want there.”

The flatmate shook his head mournfully, then said: “Never gonna happen. I bought a box of Coco Pops from that place, two days ago. Now I need another one.

“But I don’t want the shop owner getting suspicious about how fast I get through a family-size box of breakfast cereal; I couldn’t live with the shame.”

Paths of gory

CYCLING fan Chris Robertson fell off his racing bike and ended up badly bruised with a few nasty cuts as well.

The incident has left him in a philosophical mood, as he says, “The moral of the story is: don’t argue with pavements – they always win.”

Plastic (not) fantastic

THE 19-year-old son of reader Hazel Tait recently moved into his first flat, so Hazel phoned him the other evening to make sure he was keeping up with his housework.

“Remember to do your ironing regularly, and don’t let it build up,” advised Hazel.

To which her son replied: “I don’t believe in ironing on a point of principle. Getting rid of all the lines and creases that have naturally built up over time – that’s plastic surgery for clothes.”

Televisual travails

VISITING his local hostelry, Robert Burke from Paisley overheard one chap say to another: “I’ve got Netflix and Amazon on my telly but I don’t have Apple TV. Does that make me a citizen of the Third World?”

Hard to swallow

SOME good advice from reader James Byrd, who says: “When someone tries to hand you a baby to look after, just say: ‘No thanks. I’m a vegetarian.’”