Green day

THE son of Diary reader Iain McDermid works in an office where a selection of bottles of wine, gifted to the staff, are kept on top of a filing cabinet.

One day a lady customer glanced at the booze.

“That bottle of wine looks very green,” she said.

“Not really,” replied Iain’s son. “I think it’s the glass. Turn it round.”

The lady did so, scrutinizing the bottle all the while.

“See?” said Iain’s son. “The glass is always greener on the other side.”

Woe and whist

A DIARY yarn involving a communications cock-up reminds Bob Jamieson of receiving a newsletter from his golf club a few months ago.

At the bottom of the first page it referred to one of the long-standing members, by saying: "I must also mention that Barry Littlewood has passed on."

This came as a great shock to Bob, who had played alongside Barry only a few days before.

Bob then turned the page to read "£350 raised by the ladies section from last week's whist drive."

Which was good news for Bob … and Barry, too, of course.

Rhymy timey

WE’RE trying to figure out what certain objects would be called if they had been named by the same bright spark who decided to call a two-way radio a walkie-talkie.

Mulling this over, reader David Donaldson says: “You know that thing in the oven that lets you do rotisserie chicken? It's a turny-burny.”

Seeing red

ON a southside train, reader Linda McQueen overheard an elderly lady with a posh Edinburgh accent say to a friend: “When I first moved to Glasgow I knew nothing about the local passion for sport.

“But I had a green front door which I wanted repainted blue. The man I got to do the work said he was delighted, because the door was an outrage. Now I get it painted red, and keep out of trouble.”

What’s the beef?

USEFUL advice from reader Seth Porter, who works in the IT department of a major accountancy firm in Edinburgh.

Says Seth: “Remember, folks. When you’re devising a new password for your laptop, don’t use the word ‘beefstew’. It’s just not stroganoff.”

Name dropping

THE Diary is celebrating madcap workplace monikers. David Clark from Tarbolton says: “A chap where I worked was called Parachute, because he always let you down.”

Hard to swallow

A COCKAMAMIE culinary concoction from reader John Keane, who says: “I made a lamb curry last night. Big disappointment. Apparently they prefer grass.”