Well, thank goodness and sound the common sense klaxon. Here comes Esther McVey to make sure all is right with the world.

Our new minister without portfolio is tasked with, finally, imbuing some common sense into politics. Is the appointment a tacit acknowledgement that the Tory Party is entirely without common sense? Who the heck cares - this'll be great.

Goodbye Suella Braverman but - never fear, those on the right now have Ms McVey to crusade against leftie liberal nonsense about equal rights and the silly, niche matter of the future of humanity.

Forget red wallers, youse are red ballers, amirite?

Down with wokery, up with blokery. Or something. I mean, who really knows?

Not Jacob Rees-Mogg, who looked baffled when he was asked about the post on Newsnight. Staring fretfully off to the side, he called the new role "tokenistic" and "very strange". You should have proper titles like home secretary and foreign secretary, he said, landing a final critical blow: "I think this is flim-flam".

"What is a Tsar for Wokedom?" he sounded pained. "What does it mean?"

Sir Jacob was once minister for “Brexit opportunities and government efficiency”. The allegation of "flim-flam" sounds thin from a man whose job title was once a double oxymoron.

Certainly Esther Dismay has a task ahead of her as she calls for her colleagues to be all aboard the common sense express. But not at high speed: common sense dictated that she campaigned for the cancellation of HS2, saying it was "sucking the life" out of local transport in the north of England.

Despite all the great many benefits of high-speed rail going to Manchester, Ms McVey had a common sense solution, which was that people could "jump on Zoom" rather than travel anywhere. Phew.

Common sense might dictate that asking for an armistice on Armistice Day is not the action of a hateful person - but Esther's McMoggologue (no, I don't know either) on GB News on the topic of recent pro-Palestinian protests detailed how police need to stop worrying about "leftie lawyers" intervening in officers' decision and just crack on with the job.

Great common sense advice, that. Crack on with the job. Exactly what Rishi Sunak is doing in the light of the Supreme Court ruling on extradition flights to Rwanda.

This is a prime minister who takes the position that a man cannot be a woman just because they say so. But he does believe he can cancel a track record of serious human rights violations, including arbitrary detention and torture, just by clicking his heels together three times and saying "Rwanda is a safe country".

Common sense would dictate that placing vulnerable people in a state of further fear and uncertainty is cruel, and forced deportation might be open to legal challenges but let we'll see what stance Esther takes.

As I say, it might have been common sense to appoint this role sooner.

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If only for Ms McVey's common sense approach during the Covid pandemic. Might she have suggested not holding dozens of parties during lockdown?

Probably not. On the lockdowns, she had this to say: "[They were] one of the most idiotic policies ever to have occurred and something we must never ever do again", which was an interesting take for a former minister for disabled people.

According to the Office for National Statistics, about 58 per cent of deaths between January 2020 and March 2022 in England were of disabled people. But I'm sure there's a common sense reason for her position, right?

And if Boris Johnson had approached her, at least, to ask whether he might stop Covid by blowing a hairdryer up his nose, she would have set him right.

Blow on your septum might be more a topic for Michael Gove but, as Minister for Common Sense, Ms Dismay will surely turn to experts for advice.

It may seem obvious that killing Covid with a hairdryer is about as common sense as watching porn in the House of Commons but... oh, wait.

Neil Parish admitted watching X-rated video content on the green benches before resigning his seat. He was apparently "looking for tractors" when he stumbled across some steamier content.

Mr Parish now says he has "unfinished business" in politics and wants to return. Redirecting this, surely, is a task to be handled by a Minister for Common Sense.

But let us not dwell either on this unfinished business or handling and move swiftly on to the matter of common sense conduct.

I was reading the comments - I know, I know - underneath a piece about Education Secretary Gillian Keegan, when she was recorded on camera expressing frustration over not being thanked for doing "a f***ing good job".

"Is she the one," the curious commenter asked, "who stuck her middle finger up at reporters live on camera because they were asking her questions which were her job to answer?"

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No, she was not. But that's an easy fumble. Ms Keegan is the sweary one, Andrea Jenkyns (an education minister) is the rude gesture one. Both setting a fine example to young people.

Ms Jenkyns, who was actually heading into Downing Street when she gave the finger to members of the public live on camera – and it's up to you whether you feel that makes the incident better or worse – submitted a letter of no confidence in Rishi Sunak last week. What of Ms McVey's track record? Common sense might suggest that, if you are housing minister, you might like to ask for a green light from the anti-corruption watchdog before you take on a presenting job on GB News.

But not McVey, who was dismissed by Boris Johnson over the matter. Perhaps breaking lobbying rules was actually a common sense tactical move that let her escape the shambles of the 2020 ministerial team without having to resign.

That was a mere two years after facing calls to resign when she apologised for misleading Parliament and apparently breaching the Ministerial Code. Ms McVey was accused of using "mega-Trumpisms" to deceive MPs over faltering changes to the welfare system. No one is more known for his common sense, anti-woke approach than ... Donald Trump.

The Tory Party is a hate-watch soap opera and if we're being compelled to view the full season then at least allow us to download it - though not on Michael Matheson's airtime plan - and binge it in a oner so it's done.

The most common sense move now - the only one - is to call a General Election. Over to you, Dame Common Sense, Esther McVey.