What’s the beef?

WE’RE discussing the behaviour of school children who make the job of educating them such an effortless joy that many teachers end each working day in the local boozer, diluting their pints of lager with salty tears.

Retired Home Economics teacher Helen Leslie once attempted to explain to an unruly class how to make Beef Wellington.

The lesson got off to an inauspicious start when one young chef thrust a hand in the air and said: “Wit’s a Beef Wellington, miss? Is that when ye stuff a pile o’ mince intae a welly boot?”


Captain’s outrageous

GLOBETROTTING Betty Wood recently returned from a cruise of the Greek Islands.

Visiting such a historic landscape was incredibly rewarding, though her favourite part of the trip was the nightly entertainment provided on the ship, with professional singers and dancers taking to the stage.

The vivacious captain of the boat also enjoyed leaping on stage to tell a few gags.

One night he looked at the audience with a twinkle in his eye, then said: “People often ask me who steers the ship when I’m on stage. And I say… who cares?”

Luckily for Betty, and her fellow passengers, there are very few icebergs off the coast of Greece.


Weird western ways

EXCELLENT advice from reader Matt Larner: “If you happen to find yourself in Texas, and a cowboy asks you to help him round up 18 cows, just say, ‘Sure thing, pardner. That's 20 cows.’”


Crimbo cringe

CHRISTMAS is just over a month away, which reminds reader Tom Denholm of a stag night at his local pub, which got slightly out of hand.

It was December, and the chap who was soon to be married had been kitted out in a Santa suit, then encouraged to get mightily drunk.

By night’s end his pals had stripped him of most of his garments, apart from a pair of boxer shorts, socks, his Santa hat and beard.

He’d also been tied to a lamppost.

Sobering up the next morning, the poor chap heard one shocked pedestrian gasp at his predicament, then say: “Jeezo! It’s Santa Nae Claus.”

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Love… actually?

IS romance dead, wonders reader Margaret Barr. On a Glasgow train she overheard a young lady say to her friend: “So me and this guy, we’re in a wee situationship.”


Games people play

“I DECIDED to play golf with a pal,” says reader Robbie Hodge.

“On the third hole my pal said, ‘Let's make this interesting.’ So we stopped playing golf.”