Bedtime story
A TALE of marital disharmony.
The other night in bed reader Eddie Craig decided to have a chat with his wife, who was having none of it.
“I’m sleeping,” she snarled. “Can’t you see my eyes are closed?”
Eddie countered by pointing out: “If you’re sleeping, how come you’re replying to me?”
His wife, eyes still squeezed tight, responded by hissing: “I talk in my sleep. Now shut up.”
Our reader, having no answer to such impeccable logic, did as he was told.
Boaty McBoatface
CONGRATULATIONS are due to Clydesdale MSP Mairi McAllan on the recent birth of her son Somhairle John McAllan-Renwick.
Peter Wright from West Kilbride wonders if she previously thought about calling her firstborn Callum, until a highly paid Special Adviser pointed out that he would get the nickname CalMac.
Computing for beginners
THE 84-year-old father of reader Steve Norris recently visited.
At the time Steve happened to be browsing his laptop, leading his dad to say: “What’s that you’re looking at?”
“YouTube,” replied Steve.
This answer did not entirely satisfy the senior chap, who growled: “Who you callin’ a tube?”
Wait and see
STROLLING down Glasgow’s Sauchiehall Street the other day, reader Andy Edwards spied an impressively long queue at the door of the Forbidden Planet comic book shop.
Understandably curious, he inquired of the teenager at the end of the line what thrilling event was about to take place in the store.
“No idea,” shrugged the teen, adding: “When I see a queue, I feel I have to get on the end of it, because, well, you just never know…”
The brush-off
PARENTHOOD can be exhausting.
Reader Lisa Hickey was struggling to persuade her 11-year-old daughter to brush her teeth.
The grouchy girl grumped: “Why does toothpaste have to taste like Polo mints, which are yucky? If it tasted like pickled onion Monster Munch I’d brush my teeth a thousand times a day and never have any fillings.”
Tasty tunes
THE Diary is making famous music acts edible.
John Mulholland says: “Wuthering Heights might not have been such an appealing song had it been performed by a rather fishy Skate Bush.”
Stickman
THE Paris Olympics reminds reader Ian Barnett of a classic Chic Murray yarn, where the comedian is at a track and field event and spots a chap carrying a long stick.
“Are you a pole vaulter?” inquires Chic.
“No, I’m German,” replies the chap with the stick. “But how did you know my name was Walter?”
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