Picture this

SHAKESPEARE is in the news this week, which is pretty impressive, considering he’s been dead for a few hundred years.

A window cleaner named Steven Wadlow claims to have discovered the earliest portrait of the Bard, which was painted in Shakespeare’s lifetime.

If Wadlow is right, it could be worth £200 million. If he’s wrong, he can always use it as a rag for cleaning windows.

So a win-win situation, really.

The Diary is suspicious of Wadlow’s claims, for the truth is that we are in possession of the only genuine portrait of Shakespeare painted in his lifetime.

What makes it even more valuable is it’s also an original Banksy.

Will we ever sell this invaluable work of art?

Not likely, for the spray-painted image, which can be gazed upon in all its glory in one of the lavatory cubicles in Diary Towers, inspires our own talented writers to even greater feats of genius, such as the following classic tales from our archives…

 

Dream on

A LENZIE woman woke up and enthusiastically told her husband: “I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace as a surprise gift.”

Coyly she added: “What do you think it means?”

“Well, you’ll know tonight,” he replied.

True enough, that evening he arrived home with a small package which he presented to her.

Delighted, she tore it open… to find a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

 

Mum’s the word

A LADY in a West End bar said to her friends: “Do you know the only thing that divorce proves?”

After a beat, she continued bitterly: “Whose mother was right in the first place.”

 

Dumb mistake

A TALE recalling the ancient era of video stores.

A Glasgow mother was surprised and delighted when her teenage son brought the video of Jane Austen’s Sense and Sensibility back from Blockbuster.

At last he was finding a more sensitive side, she thought.

Alas, no.

After a few minutes watching, he gave up in disgust, explaining that he had assumed it was a follow-up to Dumb and Dumber.

 

Devious dodging 

A PLAYER from Dalziel Rugby Club once said he could not attend committee meetings due to "kidney trouble".

It seemed that he kidney be bothered, as he later confided.

 

Mystery munchy

PLANS to encourage Scots to eat more fruit and veg still have an uphill struggle, it would seem.

A reader from Glasgow’s south side was in his local Asda in Toryglen when the check-out lady came across an item that she failed to recognise.

In order to price it, she asked him what it was.

“Broccoli,” he had to explain.

 

Dead sad

A DISTRAUGHT reader once got in touch to say: “I've just heard some very sad news, The world's leading authority on vegetarianism has just died. Apparently they’re expecting a big turnip at his funeral.”