Just the ticket

MAIRI Clark was on a Glasgow bus the other day and tells us: "Young guy in front tries his luck for a child ticket. Looks at least 17. Driver asks his date of birth. He panics, and says he was born in 1980, which makes him 38. So he ends up having to pay full fare. Has Scottish maths got that bad?"

Cooking with gas

THERE is genuine sadness at the death of former Thistle manager John Lambie, with ex-players emphasising he was a superb tactician which was often overlooked as people concentrated on his colourful sayings. We at the Diary were amongst those promoting John's comments, such as after one particular bad game: "I'm away home to put my head in my birthday cake - the cake's in the oven.''

But not all his cheeky remarks were about football. Former player Derek Whyte once told the tale: "When John picked up a lifetime achievement award he was asked what his greatest moment was. We, of course, expected him to say something about his work with Thistle but instead he answered, ‘The first time I took Viagra’.’’

That's him told

CHILDREN'S misunderstandings continued. Says David Donaldson: "We were driving up the M6 heading home with our eight-year-old son. It had been a long day's drive and we were all getting tired when we reached the bleak moors of Cumbria. 'Where are we now?' came the plaintive voice from the back.

"We both answered at the same time with one word, 'Shap!' 'Sorry', he whimpered.

Down on the farm

FACEBOOK boss Mark Zuckerberg was giving evidence before Congress yesterday. Bob Vulfov swears that after Zuckerberg told them he was ready to answer any questions they might have about Facebook, an 84-year-old senator replied: "Excellent. Mr Zuckerberg, my Farmville farm needs more pigs but I cannot figure out where to purchase them."

Music to his ears

READERS continue to explain married life. An Ayr reader emails: "My wife and I have a rule that whoever is driving the family car also controls the radio -unless I'm driving and then my wife controls the radio."

Smart Alex

WE also note the sad death of Alex Dickson, the former programme boss at Radio Clyde who never failed to contact the Diary if he felt we had maligned Radio Clyde, which in truth happened quite regularly. Anyway, Alex was probably at his most relaxed when he was interviewing authors for his book review programme. He once recalled being taken to one of London's most expensive restaurants with Scots writer Alistair MacLean. Alistair took one look at the metre-wide menu, written only in French, and amid the hushed tones of the restaurant told the waiter, 'I'll just hae a wee bit o' fish and chips.'

And fellow thriller-writer Frederick Forsyth took Alex for a drink then realised he had forgotten his wallet, and borrowed cash from Alex. Three times Forsyth tried to pay him back but Alex refused, telling him he preferred going round telling folk that Frederick Forsyth owed him money.

Sign of the Times

A GLASGOW reader was in his local the other night when a chap came in and loudly told his pals: "What you read about me in the Evening Times today is true." After a shocked silence, he added: "I'm selling my couch."

Tory laughs

WE asked for possible comedy shows which support the Tories:

• Pop Idle (John Dunlop)

• May Behaving Badly (Kevin Crowe)

• Auf Wiedersehen, Brussels (David Donaldson).