Hair raising

OUR story about the cook making a pastry border with her false teeth reminds Duncan in Selkirk: "Years ago my aunt in Fort William told us that a neighbour who ran a B&B would prick the breakfast sausages of guests with her somewhat large hair pin which was swiftly replaced into the rapidly falling locks. Her name was Mrs McLarty as well."

Pole position

SO what's been happening in England? A reader shows us an exchange on social media where a young woman reported: "Off tomorrow for Poland Day. Never heard of it." This prompted an angry chap to reply: "And we don't get a day off for St George's Day. What a joke this place is." Someone else wrote it was "pathetic" and another decried: "Nothing great about Britain these days." Before the exchanges got even more heated, a friend added the explanation: "Are you sure it's not Polling Day hun?"

Cross talk

TALKING of the local government elections in England, Gary Delaney mused: "Today I’ve decided to spoil my ballot paper. First we’re going to the cinema, then the zoo, then ice cream!"

Not bitter

WE mentioned the King Billy sweets being sold by the Orange Order, and a reader suggests further sweet confections they should consider - Flute Pastilles and No Popermint Creams.

Hold the line

TSB chief executive Paul Pester is the latest business boss to go before a select committee of MPs and perform woefully, showing how little empathy he has for poor customers struggling with a botched IT system. He told MPs that customers upset with the bank should use the bank's on-line complaint form rather than social media as "Everyone enjoys tweeting, but it is shouting into the void." Says reader and TSB customer John Henderson: " As a customer, I know the feeling Mr Pester - just like being put on indefinite hold on your TSB telephone help-line."

Off the rails

AND talking of complaints, a reader tells us: "How about this - I was sitting on a train, emailing ScotRail to complain about the service. But their complaints inbox bounces the message back to me because it’s too full, and can't take any more messages."

Come clean

A READER in the west end overhears a woman telling her pal over coffee: "Came home the other day and my husband had cleared out the garage without me asking him to do it. Now I've got to try and work out what he's feeling guilty about."

Time to go home

EXCUSES for being late continued. Says James McGovern: "I remember when I was an apprentice glazier and we were getting Saturday morning overtime - time and a half! I had been out with my mates on the Friday night and got in to work at ten past eight still a bit the worse for wear from the previous night. The gaffer said, 'You should have been here at eight o’ clock'. I couldn't resist replaying with the classic line, 'Why? What happened?' He didn’t see the funny side and immediately sent me home. Four hours at time and a half down the drain."

Boxing clever

OVER to First Minister's Questions where the Tories are still getting excitable over the Baby Box the Scottish Government provides for new mums, now claiming they could even be dangerous. As Joe Snow observed: "I'm surprised Ruth Davidson hasn't been filmed driving over a baby box in her tank."