YOU’RE never far from a conspiracy theory in the Yes movement. Whether it’s the woes of Alex Salmond, or the wrong referendum result, there’s always a sinister explanation. Take Twitter’s @jmacross46, who recently ventilated after inadequate TV coverage of Nicola Sturgeon. “We need to realise the British state has already started it’s campaign to thwart Independence,” he wrote. “Bold measures need to be considered, we need to start acting as if we are already independent. More walkouts at WM and more acts of civil defiance are required.” Who is this guy? Och, only the leader of South Lanarkshire Council.

WEIRD news from Holyrood’s rural committee, where Tory chair Sir Edward Mountain is in a strop about a leak over a forthcoming report. We hear Sir Ed spent most of a closed session on Wednesday trying to hunt down the mole, grilling MSPs one by one and generally being urged to clear off and stop insulting people. Undeterred, he has now offered sinners a chance to confess to him in private. Following this inquisition he has, inevitably, been dubbed Torquemountain.

TORY watchers were intrigued when Ross Thomson popped into Holyrood this week. As well as being a powerful gaffe-magnet, the Aberdeen South MP has a growing reputation as a rabid Brexiter member of Jacob Rees-Mogg’s European Research Group. In the canteen, he yakked and guffawed with deputy Tory leader Jackson Carlaw. Pro-Remain Ruth Davidson, meanwhile, conspicuously kept her distance, sitting quietly several tables away.

STILL, it wasn’t the only curious thing in the canteen that day. Famous for its idiosyncratic approach to nutrition, it still managed to surprise with a menu offering a “live omelette bar”. Frankly, any omelette that cheeped back at us would go straight in the bin.

MISTER Carlaw seems to have embarked on a makeover as he girds himself to replace Ms Davidson during her imminent maternity leave. He was heard complaining this week about a new pair of shoes killing him. Perhaps he means to start at the bottom and work his way up, ending in a Boris cut for his blond thatch. The other theory at Holyrood is that his constantly pained expression is due to mounting panic at facing Nicola Sturgeon at FMQs for six months.

NAT MSP James Dornan was typically excitable in this week’s debate on P1 tests. To quote the Official Report: “James Dornan: I sat the test today - and I am proud to say that I passed first time. Members: Wahey! James Dornan: Thank you.” Alas, he did not stop there. “So, I have seen the test. We have a four-year-old in our house regularly- in fact, he is not yet four but will be very soon.” That’s called being three. So much for his numeracy skills.

CORBYN clone Richard Leonard isn’t big on catchphrases. So what a refreshing change to see a video released this week in which Richard Leonard hammered away at one. “Let’s all Stay Safe, Stay Back,” he declared. Alas, this turned out to be Richard Leonard, head of road safety at Highways England, advising drivers not to drive too close to one another. Then again, “Stay safe, stay back”, sums up the bland Scottish Labour leader rather well.