LIKE most of what had been billed as Theresa May's Brexit ‘hell week’, PMQs proved rather an anti-climax.

Hell, on this evidence, turns out to be low on fire and brimstone but big on backstops to backstops. Sinners are unsure how to react.

We began with Brexiter Tory Sheryll Murray asking sweetly if Mrs May fancied publishing “in full all of the Government’s European Union exit modelling?”

She most certainly did not. The back of that fag packet was far too sensitive to share, she tutted. People might talk. That could upset the Brexit negotiations no end.

Talking of which... Jeremy Corbyn wondered if, given Mrs May had carefully avoided mentioning it by name at the Tory conference or in the Commons on Monday, her Chequers plan was dead?

“The answer is no,” she said.

It’s just resting, as Monty Python might have added.

“Well, that is most interesting,” Jezza pretended. Two of her cabinet secretaries have just refused to back it. “Maybe the Prime Minister could share a pizza with them and see if that can sort it out?”

This was a tasty reference to the mozzarella mafia, the Brexiter cabal that met on Monday to chew over a crispy-crust and the Conservative leader’s shelf-life.

Mrs May was not amused.

She doesn’t like pizza. Pizzas imply delivery, which is not what her government is about.

The only logical response to a pizza is to roll it down the road.

Despite her insistence that Chequers still lives, Mrs May then failed to name it again.

It was, she told Jezza in a tellingly tortured formula, the “free trade deal that is proposed in the Government’s plan put forward after the Chequers meeting in July”.

So now you know.

Nat chieftain Ian Blackford was slapped with mackerel.

He tried to get the better of Mrs May by quoting her own warning that Brexit would put people’s jobs at risk. Surely that meant falling into a passionate embrace with SNP policy and staying in the single market and customs union?

If Mr Blackford cared about the people of Scotland, “he should join us in recognising the importance of leaving the common fisheries policy,” she fumed. He rolled back onto his seat, fin-smacked.

Independent MP Ivan Lewis then squandered oxygen by expounding his pet theory on how to solve Brexit.

“We have got the drift, and we are grateful,” deadpanned Speaker Bercow above the impatient din.

But things got sweatier for Thezza when former Brexit minister Steve Baker asked her to spell out whether the EU would still hold any sway over the UK post March 2019.

The Prime Minister said the UK would be taking its own decisions. She conspicuously did not say if it would be taking them alone. Mmm.

EU council president Donald Tusk appealed on Tuesday for a modern day Alexander the Great to cut the Gordian Knot of Northern Ireland.

Dr Julian Lewis, a sort of high-pitched koala, stepped forward.

The obvious way to avoid a hard border was simply not to build one, declared the Tory Brexiteer, slicing away at the Celtic conundrum.

“The next time shroud-waving EU negotiators claim that a hard border is necessary on the island of Ireland, will she kindly ask them who would actually construct it?

“The Irish certainly won’t and the British certainly won’t, so unless the EU army plans to march in and build it, it surely can never happen.”

Mrs May allowed herself a smile. Hell may not be all it’s cracked up to be, but at least it has its imps.