As imagined by Brian Beacom

LOOK, chaps, we really need some perspective because some of the accusations you’ve been throwing at me are a little pugnacious.

You’ve accused me of making statements that are known to be whoppers, but tell me this: what would you prefer in life, a whopper or a whimper? I’m going for the whopper every time. And when forced to deny that what I’ve said to be true is less than true, that too will be in the whopper category.

But that doesn’t mean that the whoppers are lies. When I said there will be no more lockdowns for example, it was true at the moment the thought entered my head. And this sort of thought needn’t linger too long because, as you know, the truth is a dimly remembered stranger at a party. And I’ve no wish to be recalling people I meet at parties, unless they have a shiny pole in their living room and invite me round to drink sherry and talk about personal business opportunities.

You’ve also been suggesting I’m guilty of a little hypocrisy, the implication being I’m about to go the way of Dominic Cummings and become as redundant as Gillian Anderson’s brassiere.

But is it really hypocritical of me to be traducing those despicable, racist England supporters who gave Marcus Rashford and co a good kicking while I was the one who once referred to Muslim women as ‘letterboxes’, and black Africans as ‘piccanninies with watermelon smiles’?

Is it really fair to say I don’t care about equal opportunities just because I once referred to gay men as ‘tank-topped b** boys?’

Well, perhaps it is. But remember I’m about the moment. And those allegedly racist and homophobic moments occurred at a moment when a national newspaper was splaffing me with cash to write a column.

Yes, Betty Boothroyd this week blasted me for turning PMQs into an exercise in obfuscation and a personal showcase – but hasn’t your FM done exactly this each day with her briefings?

And when I spoke in the Commons about CO2 emissions going down, about restoring free hospital car parks, about poverty having decreased and none of it actually true, that was about being in that moment.

If I were papering over the detail of who papered the living room, alleging that our Track and Trace app would be the first of its kind in the world, that wasn’t me being mendacious. Sometimes you need momentary illusion, just as you Scots employ right now because you can’t get the real Indiana Jones to turn up in Glasgow, a man who’s fought Nazis, mad Russians, and the scene-stealing Sean Connery.

So please don’t even mention the fact your First Minister has sought to distance herself from me. Who hasn’t? Anyway, she and her SNP boss husband – Danger Mouse and Penfold – should look to their own problems before they throw rocks at the door of No 10.

Don’t you have the highest rates of Covid in the UK? Or maybe I just made that up.