DIDN’T I tell ya? Didn’t I say that Sleepy Joe would drop us in it? Biden’s exit from Afghanistan is the most astonishing display of gross incompetence by a nation’s leader, perhaps at any time. And remember, that’s coming from the guy who incited riots and attacks on the White House.
What would I have done differently, you guys in Scotland want to know? Well, I’d have sent more repatriation planes, big planes, bigger than anything Biden has sent. What type of planes? The biggest. Bigger than Alex Salmond’s ego, so now you know the kinda size I’m talking about.
Yes, ok, you’ve heard people say that this US withdrawal was actually negotiated by my own administration, that I had Mike Pence out there for months talking to these drug-dealing nappyheads and even agreeing to free 5,000 of their locked-up gang leaders.
Well, this is fake news. Pence was only there six weeks tops. And what you have to remember is I wanted the troops out by May. Biden has taken until August to do it. That’s because he’s older than the Bible. Bible Joe, we should call him. I know I’m only three years younger but listen, I’ve got a young mentality. Some say I have the mentality of a four-year-old.
And what about his excuses for getting out? Biden is saying the Afghan military refused to fight. What does he know about refusal to fight? Wasn’t I the guy who managed to dodge the draft?
Listen, you want to know what I’d have done had Biden’s people not rigged the US election? I would have negotiated with these Taliban guys because they respect me. One even told me they liked my long coats, because they would be great in the Afghan winters.
These are my kinda people. I like Afghanistan. I like a lot of the Stans in fact. I loved Stan Laurel. Stan Smith, I’ve got some of his tennis shoes. Stan Lee. His Spider-Man is great.
Another thing I would have done is sort out these crazy ISIS-K guys. They’re a bit like me in that they just want sex. That’s why they’ve been taking sex slaves. And those who haven’t want to kill people so they can get to heaven and be handed 40 virgins.
Look, I’d solve that problem. I’d get Stormy Daniels to set up a series of cat houses around the country. Make sure they get some action. No more suicide bombings. But instead we got Sleepy Joe saying “We will hunt you down and make you pay.” But how? Thanks to me and Obama shutting up shop we don’t have the intelligence anymore. I certainly don’t have the intelligence, and you know I am one of the most intelligent presidents America has ever seen.
But don’t worry. When I make my comeback I’ll sort it out. If Abba can do it even with holograms so can I. In fact, we could use holograms to fight ISIS. Is that a vote winner or what?
As imagined by Brian Beacom.
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