As imagined by Brian Beacom

YES, okay, so tell me who out there hasn’t mixed up an international footballer, who has achieved fame for his school meals campaigning, with an England rugby player, who also happens to be black?

Now, you may argue that as one of the guys, Maro Itoje, I’ve been told, was supporting school laptops and the other, Marcus Rashford, is the school dinners champion and I, as Education Secretary, should have noticed a clear difference.

But is there really? Don’t kids devour the contents of both?

LBC broadcaster Nick Ferrari this week had the cheek to ask Westminster social care minister Helen Whately if I were racist or incompetent? She replied, ‘That sounds highly unlikely,’ which is a good answer because it’s unlikely I’m racist and perhaps less likely I’m a floppy-haired halfwit.

That’s not what David Lammy, the opposition Justice Secretary, seems to think. He says that I “must be the most ignorant, clueless and incapable education secretary in history.”

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Well, just because I can’t recall my A-level results doesn’t mean I scraped by on Fs. But I take exception to the comment because there must have been a greater clown in charge than me at some point. I’ll be asking one of Maro’s laptoppers to research that one thoroughly. Or should it be Marcus?

The reality is I’m not entirely stupid but I admit I can avoid thinking that requires thought then isn’t that best? This strategy has certainly served me well in the past. Wasn’t I sacked as defence secretary for allegedly leaking confidential information about 5G, only to find myself back in Cabinet.

Oh, and when I got the defence job, I said Russia should “go away and shut up”, which opponents said was childish, to which I replied, ‘my big brother’s bigger than your big brother,' which was true. And that didn’t impact upon me at all.

I’m from Scarborough, you see, a holiday town, and my head is on holiday a lot, but that means we can allow for a few errors. So, I messed up big time with the exams result algorithms last year, but then so did John Swinney, so you can’t say we’re both dunces?

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Yes, in August, my net satisfaction rating among my own party members was at minus 44.1 per cent but all I would say is Marcus Rashford is the man to talk to about net satisfaction.

So, what if I bumble like Frank Spencer? Ooh, Betty. I’m here for the long haul.

But don’t be thinking I’m a cert to go in the imminent reshuffle. Boris is backing me. Says I’m a hero. Of course, that’s like Gazza turning up with a chicken, four cans of lager and a fishing jacket.

And I can take rejection if it comes. I once worked as a fireplace salesman in the middle of a heatwave.

Meantime, I must go. Off to watch Marcus, hoping he’ll score a few tries.