WHAT is the difference between a large pub and a nightclub and why is one more dangerous than the other? And, by the way, which way round? These are not abstract questions but urgent ones on which livelihoods depend.

I heard them put to Humza Yousaf who is now for some mysterious reason Cabinet Secretary for Health. It was clear he did not have a clue and, moreover, thought it unreasonable that he was expected to. After all, they were “talking to the industry” so did that not confirm what reasonable chaps they are?

Well, no, actually. It confirms what an utter shambles in the making their vaccine passports wheeze actually is and also the stupidity of introducing major, complex measures without any advance thought about implications, anomalies or nigh-well insuperable practical difficulties.

The requirement for vaccine passports in Scotland is due to take effect in 16 days. Yet the man behind it does not know the critical difference between a pub, which may well have music for dancing to, and a nightclub. One wonders which hapless civil servant will have the job of defining these respective premises.

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BBC Scotland’s headline was that the UK Government had “done a U-turn” on vaccine passports – a convenient piece of spin to suggest everyone was out of step but oor Humza. “Doing a U-turn” normally means the reversal of a decision previously taken. In this case, no decision existed though we knew serious consideration was being given while evidence was assessed.

Having looked at the evidence, which is the same in Scotland as in the rest of the UK, Ministers decided not to go for vaccine passports. Presumably they had been warned about exactly the same difficulties – of definition, of implementation, of alienation, of unintended consequences – that are now manifesting themselves in Scotland.

Meanwhile, however, Holyrood was called on to vote for something it essentially knew nothing about. “Vaccine passports as a requirement for entry” is a slogan rather than a policy until the details have been addressed. So why the rush? Was it perhaps the expectation that “they’re going to do it down there so let’s get in first” – which is a lousy way to create public health policy or cross a significant line in civil liberties?

John Swinney can apply the kiss of death to any scheme and it already had that smell to it even before SNP sheep and their little Green lambs voted it through. “We want the vaccine certification process to be as simple as possible,” intoned Mr Swinney.

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“There are just a few steps involved. From 30 September, people will be able to use the NHS Scotland Covid status app, which also has a QR code. Anyone who is unable to use the app will be able to request a secure, uneditable paper record of vaccination”.

Where I went to school, 30 September is the day before 1 October – the day on which their scheme is to be introduced. Why would anyone do that? Why not, even if the principle was accepted, be sure the app was up and running first? The Scottish system is primitive technology compared to what has existed for months in the rest of Britain. Of course, we had to have our own.

Then what about the people at the sharp end of this – the stewards on doors or turnstiles of venues? There is at least one reason why Swinney and Yousaf presumably won’t be daft enough to extend the scheme from nightclubs (undefined) to big, 3am dancing pubs – which is that there is not the remotest chance of enough stewards being recruitable.

Modest contact with the real world would have told our intrepid ministers that there is already a shortage of stewards, which also extends to football grounds. It is one of these jobs a lot of people have found an alternative to during lockdown and they are in no hurry to return. The prospect of being in the front line of dealing with vaccine passports is unlikely to encourage them.

It was quite funny to hear the usual phone-in habitués queuing up with the “Denmark does it” script, even if they couldn’t find Denmark on the map. It’s true – Denmark did it from April in a very orderly way, got the vaccination levels up to where ours already are and then dropped it three weeks ago. And incidentally, they don’t require masks on public transport. Selective analogy is always dangerous.

The contrast with the approach to vaccination for 12-15 year olds could not be greater. For once, common sense prevailed. The approach will be same throughout the UK. It will be based on voluntarism rather than compulsion and hopefully the persuasion will be done in schools and communities rather than top-down, fronted by nationalist comedians.

But now the good news. Retreat already seems to be under way on football grounds, Professor Jason Leitch having been dispatched yesterday to signal that “spot-checks” will be acceptable. No doubt Messrs Leitch, Yousaf and Swinney will be in the front line of identifying who is to be checked and then debarring miscreants who cannot produce the evidence. Or maybe not.

The whole scheme is probably going to collapse in the familiar blend of incompetence, spin and blame-shifting. Maybe asking the hard questions before putting it before Holyrood would have been a better idea. But where are the headlines in that?

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