As imagined by Brian Beacom

YES, you may laugh and call me Scooter Boy for the rest of my days in politics. But which one of us hasn’t fallen off one? And, okay, it has stabilisers, and the Twitter video makes me look like I’m a Smarties-overdosed six-year-old racing off to eat cake at my best pal’s birthday party.

But think why I’m racing around the corridors of power. It’s about me appearing to be speedy. If I can’t get an ambulance out to someone dying for at least 40 hours, the least I can do is be seen to be racing forward.

Don’t forget, I got pelters this week when I said that people should stop calling for an ambulance, unless it were absolutely necessary.

Now, you may ask how do I define ‘necessary’? You may wonder if a suspected brain tumour is reason enough, for example?

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All I can say is it’s reasonable to expect that the individual should work out if this is an actual brain tumour, and not a blinding headache as a result of a night on the Bacardi.

Okay, all Scots aren’t qualified neurologists, I accept that, but we need to stop treating the ambulance service like it’s Deliveroo.

Yes, you’re right to ask me: ‘How can someone tell if they’re really having a heart attack?’ To that I would say: ‘If you’re not lying on the floor, your face turning Mel Gibson-Braveheart blue and you can’t see St Peter calling to you, don’t dial.’

Look, I’m not being unsympathetic here. Believe me. Anyone who’s ever had a badminton injury can tell you what real pain is.

And you want to know why I blamed Covid for the dreadful ambulance waiting times? Well, why wouldn’t I? It’s an easy, fast response – which is of course what the ambulance service isn’t. And it means I don’t need to hear the argument by the Scottish Conservatives and Unison that the ambulance service has been running slower than John Swinney’s speeches for years.

Or that Covid hospitalisations were actually worse last year. That would be like Nicola trying to explain why our ferries are set to be built in Poland. Or Turkey. Which would be plain silly.

But I will say that Glenn Campbell, the rat-bag BBC reporter who captured me on film and released it to the world, has clearly shown no compassion or concern for the dignity of a fellow human being and Holyrood bedfellow.

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Yes, I did exactly the same in 2018 when The Linesman slide tackled himself and fell. And I tweeted that he ‘decked a belter’, and I was looking forward to seeing the video online. But really, Douglas Ross has to be ridiculed. Doesn’t he?

As for The Boss calling in the army? Well, remember there is no shame in utilising military resources. Lots of countries have called in the army in times of crises. The Chinese, in Hong Kong, for example. Or the Thais in Myanmar. Does it matter who does the nee-naws?