Verbose verboten
THE Labour Party has endured years of cock up, chaos, crumble and Corbyn, resulting in the Red Wall looking like that nearby fortification built by Hadrian.
Now the fightback has begun, with Keir Starmer writing a 14,000 word pamphlet laying out his plans for party and country.
The only problem with a 14,000 word pamphlet is that it’s a 14,000 word pamphlet.
Not many potential Labour voters will be switching off Netflix to scrutinise the document, then saying to their husband or wife: “Quick – get my magic marker! I want to underline this paragraph so I can repeat it down the pub. Won’t my mates be impressed!”
Keir doesn’t realise that long-windedness is lethal, and only pithiness is perfection.
Which brings us to the following classic yarns from our archives, which are short, sharp and sure to make you laugh.
Take note, Keir.
No go beaux
THE woman draining a glass of cava on a Friday night in Glasgow was overheard telling her friends: “He’s got a twenty-five-year mortgage on his flat, has had a season ticket to Ibrox for ten years, and has a five-year loan on his car. Now he tells me he’s afraid of commitment.”
Red alert
A TEENAGER on a bus into Glasgow told her pal that she got a “big riddy” when she saw a chap bending down and picking up fag ends from the street.
“Ma heart went out to him,” she said. “So broke he had to smoke fag ends, so I handed him a couple of cigarettes from my packet.
“That’s when he told me he worked in the shop, and had been sent out to sweep up.”
Handyman
A READER overheard two chaps on a train discussing sport. One declared: “At school we had to play rugby. So when I got the chance to play football, I grabbed it with both hands.”
“So not much change there, then,” mused our reader.
The history man
“I’D a terrible argument with the wife,” said a loudmouth in the pub. “And she became historical.”
“Don’t you mean hysterical?” replied his mate.
“No. She kept on bringing up the things I’ve done wrong over the past ten years.”
Snappy comeback
A GLASGOW teacher, discussing the human body, asked her class if anyone had ever broken a bone. One lad raised his hand, and she asked him if it hurt.
“No,” he replied.
Thinking he was trying to be brave in front of his classmates, she then asked which bone.
“Ma sister’s arm,” he said.
Motormouth
A POLICE officer arrested a chap for car theft, but as he appeared to be under the influence of drink or drugs the police doctor was asked to examine him.
In the cell, the doctor gave the confused fellow a shake, and said: “I’m a doctor. Did you take anything?”
The befuddled chap replied: “A Peugeot 207.”
Motormouth: The Sequel
A CHICAGO-based reader was pulled over by a cop who informed him he had crossed the median.
“I didn’t know the equator ran through Chicago,” replied our reader, earning him a $35 ticket.
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