ORDURE-ordure!

Yep, the House of Commons was up to its neck in the stuff, as Boris Johnson and Sir Keir Starmer threw sleaze allegations at each other like monkeys flinging faeces. After which, Mr Speaker, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, put the Prime Minister of England and the Other Bits on the naughty step and gave him a good if disappointingly metaphorical spanking.

O, sleaze, how we abhor thee. But still thou seepest into public life. Don’t know why I’ve gone all archaic. Westminster does that to you, I guess.

Take two. Sleaze is lapping at the Red Wall. It assails the Speaker’s ears. Inexorably it rises and, briefly, the Prime Minister sinks beneath the surface, one arm held aloft. But he’s waving not drowning. He spits sloppy goo from his mouth, brushes it from his shoulders. Seeking home, it gathers comfortably on his paunch, warming his innards. He smiles, knowing he can come through this, even if smelling like a bairn’s nappy.

Yesterday’s sleaze, chaos and rowdiness was not a great advert for Quite Good Britain, even if the Prime Minister’s case was that things were worse in foreign places, where folk take backhanders, chaps in parliaments throw punches, tanks are parked on lawns and, er, prime ministers get free luxury holidays and really good deals on wallpaper.

More parliamentary epizeuxis: Hear-hear! It’s becoming more desperate plea than expression of support, as speakers can barely be heard over the rammy. Several times yesterday, Mr capital-s Speaker complained he hadn’t a scooby what anyone was saying. Maybe it was just as well.

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After some hors d’oeuvres about railways in “the North” (not the real North; the English North, i.e. the South) the aforementioned Sir Keir, leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition, dished up the day’s main course … corruption. Yummy!

Referring to the recent Owen Paterson palaver about lobbying for cash, Mr Starmer asked Bertie Booster: “When will he do the right thing and just say sorry for trying to give the green light to corruption?”

Sorry? Boris affected not to hear and called wimpishly for a “cross-party approach”. Labour were certainly cross. Then the PM flung back the faeces, averring that there was one corrupt person in the House. Who dat? Sir Keir! Eh?

Why, he was only trying to prosecute others for something he did himself. Double-eh. Eh-eh? The reference was to Sir Keir’s relationship to legal firm Mishcon de Reya while he was an MP but before he joined Labour’s front bench.

Sir Lindsay stepped in: “It is not Leader of the Opposition’s Questions. It is Prime Minister’s Questions.” Glad we cleared that one up.

Riled, Sir Keir called the questionable Prime Minister “a coward not a leader”. Oh dear. After more hullaballoo, an exasperated Sir Lindsay said: “Look, this is not good … I don’t want each other to be shouted down.”

Tough cheese, old boy.

Boris shouted: “I’m sorry, Mr Speaker, but we still have not heard …” Incandescent now, Sir Lindsay shouted: “Prime Minister, sit down! I’m not going to be challenged! You might be the Prime Minister of this country but, in this House, I’m in charge!”

Briefly, we imagined these roles reversed, with Boris turning the chamber into the Drones Club – honourable members flinging paper aeroplanes and bread rolls at each other – while Sir Lindsay appeared on the news telling voters to sit down and shut up. Could work.

Boris acknowledged Sir Lindsay’s ruling before breaking it again, saying Sir K’s misconduct had been “absolutely clear.” Cue hullaballoo. The Speaker said he couldn’t hear but instructed: “You can’t accuse somebody of misconduct … If it was said I want it withdrawn.”

Upon which, Boris averred that he had in fact referred to “the right honourable gentleman’s Mishconduct”. Mishconduct: geddit?

When Ian Blackford, the SNP’s Westminster leader, lobbed in more corruption allegations, the PM flung the faeces right back at him, referring to £600,000 allegedly missing from the SNP’s accounts.

He added that corruption charges about the UK did a “massive disservice” to billions around the world who “genuinely suffer” from corrupt governments. “This is one of the cleanest democracies in the world,” he claimed, with the terrific comedic timing for which he is renowned.

The dirty work continued when nutter-haired Michael Fabricant (Con) said he’d heard “on the wires” – the what now? Turns out MPs have to consult news updates to find out what’s been said just a few feet away – that the leader of the opposition had used the word “coward”, in breach of Erskine May, Parliament’s bible of procedure.

The Speaker said he hadn’t heard but advised: “Coward is not a word we use in this house.” Sir Keir said: “I withdraw it,” adding of his adversary, “but he is no leader.”

When PMQs was done, Sir Lindsay noted with relief: “Oh, it’s very quiet.” There followed, I kid you not, a motion on disposable barbecues. And that, foreign persons with genuinely corrupt administrations, is how politics is done in the Mother of Parliaments.

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