As imagined by Brian Beacom

WELL, yes, it has been a tricky week. First, the figures tell me the Red Wall is crumbling like a Hobnob in a hot cuppa, and then there’s this business with Macron.

Honestly, he’s taken the huff just because I leaked a letter telling him he had to pull up his chaussettes over the migrant crises.

But the truth is you can’t trust the French. You’d be as well using an onion bag for carrying water. And if you need further proof, look back at episodes of ‘Allo ‘Allo! Or listen to Maurice Chevalier singing about little girls. Have I made my point?

Yes, I know you’re going to ask the question that so many of your colleagues have been throwing around this week, ‘Am I totally off my trolley?’

But just because a man invokes Peppa Pig – and which world statesman doesn’t refer to an anthropomorphic television character to get his point across every now and then – I know you Scots talk of Scooby Doo a lot, as in ‘He doesn’t have a Scooby’ – so what is wrong with a pink pig?

And there has been that business in the House about allowing babies in. I have to say, I have no problem with that.

Every week I watch Blackbird and Stammer spit their dummies out, so I’m fairly used to the concept.

And, between you and me, Priti can be prone to the odd tantrum, as the civil servants will confirm.

You want to know about my memory loss? Well, I was only speaking to the CBI, for goodness’ sake. It was an event more boring than Angela Rayner.

And it’s been suggested that I’m not long for the world of leadership. Ha? I have a majority of 80. Which of these buffoons are likely to do better?

Anyone who thinks they can beat me is the sort who thinks the missing Chinese tennis player is currently hanging out in Ayia Napa with a bloke she met in Tesco Metro.

It's all nonsense. It’s even more nonsense that Holly Willoughby’s new ‘self-help’ book, which actually features 126 pages of photographs of the lovely lady herself. Not that I’m being critical. Please don’t say that or Carrie will smack me in the Henrys with a copy of said tome, and I’ll be squealing like a slighted Frenchman.

Speaking of slaps, hasn’t Nicola taken a couple this week, expecting Scots Christmas shoppers to take a lateral flow test before they hit the shops each time. She simply hasn’t a Scooby, has she?

And now that she has abandoned her notion of extending Covid passports we can see her ego being deflated like a paddling pool.

However, let’s end this on a positive. And it’s a quote from the lovely Holly herself, which we should all adopt as a maxim in life. ‘Underwear should never be so tight as to make you uncomfortable.’

It’s a metaphor as beautiful as the lady herself. No budgie smugglers for me.