Fair reflection

Modern men are the vainer sex, according to an important study by Austria’s Graz University. Leading scientists found that, given a mirror and 90 seconds, males spent 80 seconds scrutinising their coupons, and women just 75. Social commentators said the finding had set back the cause of men’s equality by decades.

No sweat, man

Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi has created his own cologne. His Monkey Special, at just £196 a bottle, offers “the aromatic reminiscence of rock in the Sixties and Seventies, festivals and gatherings, amber and patchouli”. Hmm, sounds authentic. However, if you think it omits one essential aroma, Tony clarifies: “We left the sweat out.”

Fit nits

Soon, you could get fit from the comfort of your couch. Stanford University boffins are working on a pill providing the health benefits of exercise. They hope to replicate a crucial anti-inflammatory compound in “exercise mimetics”. However, leading slobs complained that, on having these delivered, you’d still have to get up and go to the door.

Gorse trade

Gorse could be the next go-to plant in the quest for environmentally friendly, protein-rich foodstuffs. And Scotland’s covered in the stuff. Professor Wendy Russell of Aberdeen Uni said: “Just by active removal from marginal lands, there’s enough gorse protein to easily feed our population.” Aye, but is there enough broon sauce to cover the taste?

Heat is on

The last seven years have been the hottest on record, according to the EU’s climate monitoring service. Unlike many records-based scary studies – “It’s the worst seven years in the last seven years!” – this goes back to the mid-19th century. One expert said it was “another nail in the planetary coffin”. Ach well. At least we had a laugh.

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