Going straight

With an apparent trend for longer hair in men, the unfair sex have increasingly been applying straighteners to their barnets. Among those accused of fashionably flattening their follicles are football juggler Jack Grealish and controversial talkshow host Jonathan Ross. Mind you, many people considered them to be heated tools already.

Prime suspect looked dodgy

In the latest Tory infighting, Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries mocked David Cameron for looking like a ticket tout. The pie-faced former PM was pictured wearing a tartan shirt-jacket and baseball cap to an equestrian event at Cockleburgh. Someone online said he looked like he’d try to sell you bacon from a holdall in a pub.

Salt sellers

The capitalists are obsessed with adding sugar or salt to our food. Latest revelation is that a quarter of sliced meats contain more salt than seawater. Waitrose was the worst offender, potentially raising the blood pressure of its posh, Barbour-jacketed customers to dangerous levels. Mind you, they’re hardly the salt of the earth.

Beer mugs

A quarter of UFO sightings in the United Kingdom are made outside the pub, according to important new academic research by the Freebets website. Said a spokesman: “Maybe our alien friends fancy a pint.” However, we’re sure that, as a sophisticated, advanced species, they’d prefer a cheeky wee Malibu.

Unknown onions

Nearly 70 per cent of Britons don’t know their onions. At least, they never use such terms or don’t even know what they mean. Pearls before swine, eh? Yep, that was another one, as was “nailing your colours to the mast”. Traditional ways of saying goodbye are also on the way out. Oh well … toodle pip!

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