IS there something about Castlemilk that the political classes aren’t telling us? This sprawling housing scheme, deep in the south side of Glasgow, is a hardy and resourceful community. Like many others of its ilk across Scotland, it has endured economic and industrial inequality since it was built in the 1950s to house families from Glasgow’s inner-city slums. There is more than enough happening on a daily basis in Castlemilk to maintain a full work-load for the MPs and MSPs elected to represent it.

Perhaps though, the politicians aren’t getting about enough in the neighbourhood. In 1999 Mike Watson, the former Labour MSP and now part of the party’s burgeoning Red Baron enclave in the Lords, chose to introduce a Protection of Wild Mammals bill at Holyrood as a means to outlaw fox-hunting.

Mr Watson’s Castlemilk constituents must have been surprised and not a little intrigued. Who knew that there was an abundance of foxes in their neighbourhood and that packs of red-liveried hunters were chasing them about the streets with their hounds? These hunters must start their chases at some ungodly hour in the morning. To date, no-one has ever seen one of them atop their steeds riding through Glenacre Street and Dougrie Road.

And how many other wild mammals might need the protection of the Castlemilk citizenry? Had anyone been on to the BBC to tell Sir David Attenborough about the cornucopia of wildlife in Castlemilk?

Now the local electorate are being represented at Westminster by another chap eager to tell the world that there’s more to Castlemilk than you might otherwise imagine. Stewart McDonald, the SNP’s peripatetic defence spokesperson is one of the party’s NATO twins with his friend and parliamentary colleague, Alyn Smith the MP for Stirling. Together they’ve been leading the fight to preserve western democracy from the wicked stratagems of Vladimir Putin. The pair of them have been wagging their fingers at him for several years now.

Here they are publishing a weighty tome about the need for a “digital Geneva Convention” to combat cybercrime by rogue states. And here’s Mr McDonald in the papers at the weekend celebrating his party’s support for the NATO military alliance. And, look … there’s the two of them visiting Kiev to help ease the strain on Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelenskyy: “The people of Castlemilk and Stirling are with you every step of the way, Mr President.”

Like most other people on the planet, I suspect the people of Castlemilk would rather Russia and Ukraine settled their differences without resorting to anything unpleasant. Yet, call me a backward and small-town naif if you like, but I’m not convinced that the Ukraine/Russia crisis is featuring heavily amongst the chief concerns of your average Castlemilk voter. “Mr McDonald, the Covid’s taken away a lot of my friends and family and I’m going to be struggling with the heating after the energy price hike. Oh and by the way, could you tell us where the nearest nuclear bunker is situated?

“Me and my pals were expressing concern the other day at the community centre about the rapid deployment of Russian troops along the Ukrainian border. Everyone knows that Putin is itching to contrive a skirmish involving Kremlin-facing separatists inside Ukraine. I mean who doesn’t, son.

“Don’t you worry about a thing, madam. Me and my pal Alyn have sent a tweet to Russia telling them to watch their step. And last week we flew over to that Kiev to tell the Ukrainians that Castlemilk is standing four-square behind them. When Vladimir Putin finds out who he’s dealing with I’m sure he’ll re-think his strategy. I’ve even sent a letter to Mr Zelenskyy following our top-level summit with him.

“'Dear, President Zelenskyy. We would like for to offer you the support of Castlemilk if the Russians invade your brilliant country. Our links with Ukraine go back many centuries.

“We will never forget the contributions of Oleg Kuznetsov and Alexei Mikhailichenko to the development of Scottish football when Graeme Souness signed them for the famous Glasgow Rangers in 1990.

“And it’s well-known all over Scotland that Chicken Kiev has been part of the staple diet of people on the south side of Glasgow since Glasgow sailors brought back the recipe after the Arctic Convoys in the Second World War.

“And by the way, when this is all over we were thinking about setting up a Ukraine/Scotland friendship association and a lobbying firm where we can help each other get some tidy wee contracts in Scotland’s robust energy sector.

“As long ago as 1991 I wanted to stock Ukrainian artisan food products when I was packing shelves at the supermarket. This was seriously considered by the management, but they felt that it was still a bit too soon after Chernobyl to be thinking about that.

“Of course, we won’t, you know, actually be doing any fighting on account of Britain doing away with all our Scottish regiments. But we’ve got stacks of hills and countryside where your soldiers can practise their military manoeuvres. Plus there’s pure loads of harbours where your sailors can do their submarine moves. I’m sure too we can get Boris to lend you a wee nuclear submarine without the Russians knowing about it.

“We’ve also got a few ideas for sanctions. Everyone knows the Russians like to get howling with the Scotch whisky. There’ll be a popular revolt once they discover there’ll be no more whisky until they tell Putin to cut it out and start behaving himself.

“Yours in military solidarity, Stewart McDonald MP.'”

Does Mr Putin even know who he’s dealing with here? I think his army of cyberbots should have told him that McDonald is not a man to be messed with. When all the other boys on Glasgow’s south side were playing football and buying the new Scotland away kit, there was young McDonald playing the de-luxe version of Battleships.

Perhaps he still has the medal he won for being named the Shawlands Risk champion in 1999. In the housing schemes of South Glasgow they still talk about his winning move when he took Irkutsk and Kamchatka from under the nose of Tam Sproat that night at the scouts.

You get Putin tellt, Stewarty boy. And pronto.

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