MOST people agree that sex is a thundering nuisance and that the world would be a better place without it. But up it pops hither and yon, yea, even unto the House of Commons, where it ruins careers and impedes the much more pleasurable business of debating standing orders and enacting legislation.

Enacting legs had been the claim, those limbs deployed with a cap A. A for Allegedly by deputy Labour leader Angela Rayner to distract the Prime Minister in mid-haver. Ms Rayner was outraged, and in the resulting hysterical furore, Boris Johnson, your Prime Minister, threatened to unleash “the terrors of the Earth” on whoever had made such an allegation. Even Vladimir Putin has not been threatened thus. As so often, too, the messenger was blamed for reporting what someone – an unnamed Tory MP – had said.

At least at Prime Minister’s Questions, Labour opposition leader Keir Starmer restricted his accusations to MPs when he raised the matter first thing, saying he hoped the PM had sent a clear message to his backbenchers that there was “no place for sexism and misogyny … in his party or in this House or in modern Britain”.

Brother Johnson offered to repeat what he’d said to Ms Rayner personally: “There can be absolutely no place for such behaviour or such expression in this House.”

Good, good. But surely much worse was the revelation, made later by Green MP Caroline Lucas, that an astonishing 56 MPs were under investigation for sexual harassment. Three were allegedly cabinet (and two shadow cabinet) ministers, and Ms Lucas wanted to know if this constituted grounds for dismissal under the ministerial code.

Boris confirmed that it did, and we thought we could move on to the economy and stuff. But, while I’d love to interrupt our coitus coverage, more was to come with claims (not aired at PMQs but popping up on members’ phones) that a Tory MP, reportedly a frontbencher, had been watching pornography on his portable device while sitting alongside a female minister. It was further suggested he’d viewed such material during select committee hearings.

Extraordinary. Why would someone wish to live so dangerously, if not indeed suicidally in career terms? It must be something to do with thrills, for which there should be no place in Parliament.

There was at least some place for the cost of living crisis during proceedings. Sir Keir said it wasn’t helped by the fact that Britain had the slowest growth and highest inflation of all the G7 countries, which Boris countered by saying it was all the world’s fault, what with its global inflation an’ all.

Sir Keir averred of your leader: “He sounds like the Comical Ali of the cost of living crisis.” Readers will recall that the original Ali of that ilk was Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, Saddam Hussein’s information minister during the invasion of Iraq, now succeeded in the title by Russian foreign secretary Sergey Lavrov, the Poundshop Kissinger forever threatening to murder millions of innocents.

Boris replied by claiming his Tories were “the party that supports working people”. Yes, with their living wages and massive Covid payments, they’re essentially now the People’s Conservative and Socialist Party. Pity about all the food banks.

These were raised (again) by Ian Blackford, the SNP’s Westminster leader, who claimed 830,000 children across the UK were dependent on emergency food parcels. Why could Boris not learn from the SNP Government in Scotland, where well-fed children skipped merrily through the hills and glens munching on gluten-free cake?

Boris said the reason for that was the strength of our economic union and “the importance of support from the UK Treasury”. When Mr Blackford made dire predictions for the Tory Party in Scotland after next week’s cooncil elections, Boris retorted: “I wouldn’t like to bet on him outlasting me.”

Both then smiled discreetly at each other in the manner of secret lovers. Later, they’d meet in a pleasant arbour beneath the magical moonlight, exchanging poesies and tucking elegantly into Boris’s home-made pork pies generously garlanded with baked beans from Ian’s croft.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, it emerged that Russia's foreign ministry had imposed sanctions on 287 MPs, accusing them of demonising the country’s innocent rapists, murderers and terrorists. The MPs are now banned from visiting the popular holiday destination.

Mr Johnson said the 287 should regard the sanction as “a badge of honour”. However, during a point of order following PMQs, Labour’s Chris Bryant said he was “absolutely distressed” at not being on the list, despite considering Putin “a barbarous villain.” Fair point. Come on, Russia. Can’t you do anything right?