Late Show

NICOLA Sturgeon’s selfie addiction saw her rock up almost two hours late to an SNP event at a blustery Portobello beach last Sunday, where she then spent another hour getting a fix with voters. It meant the assembled Holyrood hacks spent almost half their working day shivering until the First Minister granted them 10 minutes at the end. “Nae wonder those ferries are five years late,” sniffed one onlooker.

Seaside peer

SCOTTISH Tory leader Douglas Ross and his more famous predecesor Ruth Davidson were at Portobello the following day, although with less sun and no wellwishers. The pair sooked on ice creams for the cameras, with Dougie getting a blue bubblegum and Ruth a pink strawberry, no doubt representing pro- and anti-Boris factions. At the end, and in the absence of a dog to feed it to, Baroness Davidson summoned press officer David Bateman and regally handed him the remains of her snack. The poor chap ran off to the bins with it, and was duly christened her ‘cone butler’ by the media. 

Groan yersel

AS is her trademark, Ms Sturgeon was audibly exasperated at a question in a recent interview, letting the reporter know he was a twit. Her girning appeared in print as ‘Ach’, leading a colleague to confuse it with the Holyrood shorthand for Alex Cole-Hamilton. Though given the usual reaction the Scottish LibDem leader can elicit, perhaps he should be a swear word. If that sounds harsh, ACH can seek consolation in his telepathy. On Thursday he organised a photo shoot with Prosecco outside the Edinburgh count seven hours before the polls closed - and his forecast LibDem revival duly came to pass.

Creep sweep

ARE we seeing the death of the swot at Holyrood? We do hope so. After the Tories asked constitution boss Angus Robertson about secret legal advice on Indyref2 on Tuesday, Nat MSPs Gillian Martin and Collette Stevenson both tried to help him out by jabbering about the SNP’s manifesto. Presiding Officer Alison Johnstone was having none of it. “It is essential supplementary questions refer to the substantive question on the paper,” she said, after cutting them both off. Get telt!

Pure buzzin 

THE final FMQs before the election was also the weirdest of the year, as proceedings were delayed by the sound system in the Holyrood chamber having a hissy fit. It started on the Labour benches, where one of the voting consoles started making noises like an electronic whoopee cushion. It then spread to the SNP benches, where another started erupting. The two then performed a flatulent duet, with a techie’s ringtone adding a chattering monkey noise to the cacophony. After 20 minutes of nonsense, Douglas Ross asked Nicola Sturgeon about ferries. Again. There is now a campaign to have every FMQs delayed - or preferably postponed - in the same delightful way.

Pauline conversion

BEFORE the 2014 referendum, the Labour for Independence group was livid when Anas Sarwar denounced it in the Commons as a front “led mainly by the SNP”. One of the signatories to an irate letter about this slur was its leading light Paul Leinster. Whatever became of him? He was yesterday elected as an SNP councillor in Glasgow. Oh, and he’s Nicola Sturgeon’s office manager. Shame on Mr Sarwar for being so paranoid back in the day.