As imagined by Brian Beacom

YES, I appreciate the first question you want to know about the Wagatha Christie trial is ‘Rebekah, did that pigeon s*** which you said Coleen Rooney regularly drops on your head somehow seep into your brain?’

You want to know why I took legal action for defamation, denying claims I sold private stories to the red tops?

Well, let me go through some of the points made against me. Her brief pointed out how I trashed people in the past, telling one paper, for example, about Peter Andre’s ‘little chipolata.’

Now, how Mrs Rooney saw this as criticism I don’t know, because I heard Wayne thought a chipolata was a cute little Mexican dog.

Yes, I admitted I was willing to leak the story one footballer’s drink driving to The Sun. But someone must shop these people, on moral grounds.

And there’s nothing immoral about me making a fortune in the process, is there?

Honestly, I just didn’t do the stuff they said. It’s actually true that my WhatsApp conversations vanished like Natalie McGarry’s banking receipts during the process of being sent to Coleen’s solicitor. Believe it or not, my laptop just refused to function at the same time.

And just days after Coleen’s lawyers were given access to my publicist Caroline Watts’s phone it was lost at sea, thanks to a huge wave on a boat trip.

Now, you’re face tells me you’re sceptical, but I’ve heard Robert Maxwell drowned because he’d dropped his mobile in the sea, and then made a dive for it, so that proves that phones can go overboard.

Yes, Coleen’s QC sneered sarcastically when he said the phone was now in Davy Jones' locker. And I was mocked because I said I’d never heard of Davy Jones. But you know, I’d just forgotten. I really loved Daydream Believer.

Yes, I said Caroline may have sold the stories. But that doesn’t mean I’m ‘throwing her under the bus,’ as Coleen’s QC suggested. I haven’t been on a bus for years. How would I know where they stop?

But here’s the thing. I’ve known my share of troubles. For years, the press has described my lovely Jamie as looking like Harold Steptoe. And every time I appear in a new Chanel outfit in court, Coleen wears Isabel Marant Dynasty-style.

Yet, do I regret the £3m spent on this case, while thousands are using foodbanks? Well, the newspapers say: ‘There are no winners in this case. But that’s just s***. You should see the cheques I’ve written to my QC, who I heard is looking to buy a gorgeous house in Tuscany. Just as well Jamie earns £7m a year.

And I had to sue for the sake of my reputation, to show the world Coleen Rooney is a school bully who makes Regina in Mean Girls seem like Mary Poppins.

As for your last question, no, I don’t have a horse called Hercules. But whatever happens, I’ll still be riding high in the saddle.