As imagined by Brian Beacom

FIRST of all, as Governor of the Bank of England I’m happy to speak to Scotland’s top newspaper about economics because I know that you Scots are essentially thrifty, and you’ll be supportive of my strategy to raise interest rates.

In fact, I have an email here in front of me from a Scot, Big Erchie in Carntyne, which confirms that thinking.

It reads: ‘Mr Bailey, I can see that you’re trying to control rampant inflation in the country by hiking interest rates higher than a rebellious teenage schoolgirl’s skirt. Meantime, the likely PM Liz Truss is set to lower tax rates and increase the money supply.

‘Some would say this is the perfect recipe for stagflation. I, for one, believe you to be a total banker.’

Now, as you can see Erchie not only grasps the dilemma, but fundamentally agrees with my decision, confirmed by the sobriquet he has granted me.

Erchie goes on to say, ‘There’s a real chance my weans – (I presume this means children) – are going to school in September wearing last year’s shoes.’

Which is fantastic. Thrifty Erchie is recycling – and saving cash at the same time.

Then he adds ‘You’re finished, St Andrew. It’s over. You’re Batgirl.’

Clearly, what he is saying is that having outlined my bold, futuristic policy in creating the highest jump in interest rates since OJ got away with murder – allegedly – we can now get on with growing the economy.

OK, yes, I hear you. You point out that what I want is the opposite of growth, but with rising interest rates you won’t be able to pay the mortgage anyway, and you’ll still be living on cold Lidl beans and wearing a duffel coat in bed.

But didn’t that Eilish McColgan person run awfully fast this week? Isn’t that the way ahead? That you Scots get out and run about more this winter?

Look, I appreciate I’ve had my critics. When I was Chair of the Financial Conduct Authority a couple of years ago, I did fall asleep in a key meeting with pension scheme campaigners. And it’s been claimed I’ve been asleep for the past year while inflation has tripled.

Indeed, some say, as the Bank’s watchdog I should have perhaps been handed over to an elderly couple from Margate whose bulldog, Algie, had to be put to sleep.

But it’s not true. It may have looked like I was out like a light but I was just resting my eyes. And just because your eyes are tight shut, and snoring sounds emanate from your mouth, that needn’t suggest slumber.

Yes, many argued that having told workers to forget about pay rises this year – and in declaring I didn’t even know my own salary to be £570k – this suggests a man way out of touch with reality.

But when you earn that sort of money, well, you just don’t think about it, do you?

I’m sure Erchie would agree.