Saucy slogan

A DIARY mention of certain vending machines often found in gents’ toilets takes reader Jim Gordon back to the late 1970s, when the Sunday Mail devised a marketing slogan, printed in newspapers, which bombastically crowed about the news-gathering acumen of Mail reporters.

“If it’s going on, it’s going in,” was the slogan’s boast.

The very same statement soon afterwards appeared on numerous toilet vending machines around Glasgow, all of which were selling gentleman’s accessories for the weekend...

Corny crimbo

FESTIVELY minded reader Jennifer Sinclair brought home an artificial Christmas tree which she proudly showed to her husband.

“Its branches are coloured bright pink,” he pointed out.

“Yes!” agreed Jennifer.

“And when you press this button on it, it calls out ‘Happy Holidays!’ in a squeaky voice,” added her husband.

“It really does!” trilled Jennifer, delightedly.

Hubby shook his head, and went back to watching the telly, though first he grumbled: “That’s not a Christmas tree. It’s a Christmas twee.”

Munchable masterworks

ENJOYING a lunchtime snack in one of those Subway fast-food diners in Glasgow city centre, reader Hannah McDowell was amused to hear the Tannoy speaker refer to the worker preparing the food as a “Sandwich Artist”.

“He did a decent job stuffing hunks of food into slabs of bread,” concedes Hannah, “though I’m not sure that makes him a deli da Vinci.”

Painful memories

THE other day reader Debbie Sullivan was watching one of those TV programmes about celebrities who go on a journey to discover more about their ancestors.

“We should do that,” said Debbie to her husband on the sofa next to her, who merely grunted and said: “No way. I only think about my roots when I get toothache.”

Ghostly goings on

OVER the last few days we’ve mentioned the new Diary Book, which is for sale now. Though this year is extra special for Diary fans, as we’ve also published a joke book called Laughter Lines, which includes spooky little yarns such as the following, from a reader who said: “My roommate thinks our house is haunted. But I’ve lived here 400 years and never noticed a thing.”

Cold customer

A DAFT panto gag published in the Diary reminds reader Jim Morrison of being a Chief Officer at sea, and sailing with a chap named Ron Carnie, who almost inevitably was known as Chilly Ron Carnie.

Dirty secret

A SHAMEFUL confession from reader Barry Wain, who says: “I used to be addicted to mud wrestling, though I've been clean for five years now.”