World’s a stage

PANTOMIME season is upon us, though in truth the UK is now a permanent panto zone, with Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer competing to see who can be the best Wishy-Washout of Westminster.

Meanwhile, in the Scottish Parliament that feisty fairy, Tinker Bell, has been replaced by Tinker Beelin, an argy-bargy First Minister, who is pure beelin mad because no one will allow her to hold another independence referendum.

The Diary also has its panto moments, as you’ll witness below, in a series of classic tales from our archives, which are thrillingly staged and fun for all the family.

So brace yourself for pratfalls aplenty, goofy gags and possibly even a happy-ever-after…

(Actually, we’ve just checked, and sadly there is no happy-ever-after. Though we do have crying, shouting and vomiting, which will have to do until a happy-ever-after comes along.)

Sleepy-time slur

AS mentioned above, panto season is back. Making us recall when Janette from The Krankies hurt herself after falling off a beanstalk while in panto at the Glasgow Pavilion. Not happy about the occurrence, she appeared the following year at the SECC, where at one point she said to the audience: “Oh, I could do with a sleep. I wonder what’s on at the Pavilion?”

Kid’s stuff

AT the Glasgow International Comedy Festival, a few years back, there was a Watch With Baby show, where parents could go on a Sunday afternoon to enjoy adult comedians, without the expense of getting babysitters for their weans.

Jojo Sutherland, who compered the gig at Oran Mor, declared at the time: “It won’t be the first Glasgow audience I’ve played to that’s made up of people crying, shouting and vomiting.”

Body talk

A TEACHER overheard a fifth-year pupil ask her classmate: “How many ribs to you have?”

The boy answered, “three”, which surprised the girl.

“Three?” she repeated. “I was thinking about twenty!”

To which the boy could only respond: “Oh. I thought you meant how many do I have for dinner.”

Phony behaviour

A READER catching a south-side train into Glasgow city centre heard a young girl excitedly tell her pal: “There was a guy in the waiting room, not texting or looking at his phone or anything! Just waiting. Really freaked me out.”

Sum fella

THE state of marriages was being discussed in a Glasgow pub when one regular claimed his wife divorced him because of arithmetic. As this left his chums puzzled, he further explained: “She put two and two together.”

Saucy remark

DURING the 1970s a reader took a friend to a Glasgow pub where he ordered pie, beans and chips. When he asked the barman for brown sauce, the reply was: “What do you think this is? The Ritz?”