Ferocious footie

IT’S the Super Bowl tomorrow… yay! Or perhaps a more accurate way of expressing it would be to say: it’s the Super Bowl tomorrow… wit?!

The harsh truth is that outside of the United States few people are bothered about the brutal outdoor pursuit that American sport fans bafflingly refer to as football.

In the US version of the game a foot rarely collides with an actual ball. Instead, feet are used to kick opposition players’ legs, torsos and sometimes even a helmet-covered head.

This isn’t sport. It’s the Fall of the Roman Empire, plus crotch pads.

Another way of describing it is rugby, played badly.

Rugger’s a better game, of course. It has rules, unlike American footie, where the only stipulation appears to be no decapitations… if you can possibly avoid them.

What also makes rugby superior is that players are always wistfully looking backwards, because that’s the direction they chuck the ball.

The Diary also enjoys a wistful backwards glance. Each Saturday we trawl our archives for classic tales from the past.

Here are some of our favourites…

Chilly about Coldplay

UKIP? Remember them? The Diary certainly recalls the time they nabbed a Euro seat in Scotland. (Euro seats? Remember them?)

When all this was going on, one young Glasgow chap was heard explaining to a pal: “See Ukip, it’s like Coldplay the band. Everyone says in public they hate them, but somebody must be buying their rubbish records. It’s tragic.”

Party politics

DURING the independence referendum a reader said: “My anti-Tory mate told me that David Cameron begging Scots to stay in the UK is a bit like when someone posh says at a boring party: “Stay, we’re going to play charades later.”

Family values

WE recall the Glasgow surgeon who operated on his own father. Before he was anaesthetised, his dad said: “Don’t be nervous – just remember if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you.”

Hot and bothered

WISE words from a pensioner who told his pals: “Night-time, when you’re elderly and living alone, can be terrifying. Windows rattle, stairs creak, and most worrying of all, the boiler starts up.”

Excuses, excuses

WE were told of a schoolboy who was pulled up for not doing homework. He claimed he’d left it on a chair in the living room, then went out. When he returned his granny was sitting in the chair fast asleep – and he didn’t have the heart to wake her.

Holiday in hell

SCHOOL hols are delightful. For kids, anyway. A Dundee reader heard a neighbour say to her son: “You’ve been off school for only two days and I’m already done with this.”