Lip service

IN the fair city of Glasgow romance isn’t dead – though it is hobbling along on crutches, a stookie on one arm.

Jacqueline Walker from Shawlands was in a coffee shop when she spotted a lady with her beau at a nearby table.

The lady appeared to be in an affectionate mood, for leaning in to the chap, she pointed to her lips.

This delighted the chap, who puckered up and swooped in for a kiss.

Which did not entirely please the lady.

“Wit the hell ye dain’?” she snarled, shoving him away. “I oany want you to check if I’ve got croissant crumbs oan ma lips.”

The hole truth

A DIARY yarn about obvious questions reminds Bob Byiers of an occasion when he was a student, and had a summer job with the Aberdeen water board, helping to hold up traffic by digging up the roads. Numerous elderly fellows would amble over to the spot, says Bob, and observe the action.

After a good deal of scrutiny, and much contemplation, they would inevitably ask: "Is that a hole you're digging there?"

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Liquid assets

FINANCIALLY minded reader Alan Clarke points out: “Bars are the only businesses that routinely throw out their best customers.”

Table manners

IT has always been assumed by scholars of revolution that a people’s uprising would eventually take place on the streets. Though it seems that the snooker halls are where it will actually go down.

For a Just Stop Oil protestor covered a playing table in paint at the Snooker World Championship in Sheffield.

This brought a halt to all the thrilling action, or men in waistcoats gazing gloomily at coloured balls, as it is otherwise known.

Glasgow novelist Ross Sayers rushes to the defence of the protestor, saying: “To be fair to the Just Stop Oil guy, the players kept ignoring the pound coin he put on the edge of the table.”

Unstable staple

OFFICE humour. Says reader Linda Murray: “A paper clip is just a staple without the commitment issues.”

Books plus bullets

FOR reasons too complex to go into now, the Diary is improving classic movies by adding the word library to their titles. David Donaldson suggests an action-packed extravaganza involving men in khaki and bullets whizzing past book shelves.

The film would be called… Saving Private Library.

Hard question

“I WENT to a pub quiz the other night,” says reader Tony McIntyre . “I could tell it was a rough joint when the first question was: ‘Wit you lookin’ at?’”