IT was all about the money at FMQs. The Scottish Government can’t waste enough of the stuff.

Concerned that Crypto was too safe, it ordered a couple of ferries. The bet paid off. 

In no time, a bill for £97million had hit £300m. Result!

However bawfaced miser Douglas Ross, who doesn’t understand that real power is licensed vandalism, reckoned it was a bad thing.

“Only a party that bought a campervan for a hundred grand could think paying hundreds of millions of pounds for two massively delayed ferries is a good deal,” he scoffed.

“We all know from the scandal engulfing the SNP that it really struggles with finances, but this is getting ridiculous.”

Humza Yousaf muttered his standard apology to the CalMac-racked islanders left wondering if you can saddle a dolphin. But he wouldn’t stand for that jibe about his party.

“I’m not sure I'll take too many lessons on financial literacy from the party of Kwasi Kwarteng and Liz Truss.” Fair dos.

However the Scottish Tory leader wouldn’t quit. 

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“This week the SNP’s ex-treasurer Colin Beattie said ‘It wasn’t me guv’ when he was asked about the notorious campervan before abruptly changing his mind.

“Humza Yousaf has said he isn’t sure if Scottish ministers are using burner phones. This is all starting to look like an episode of Line of Duty.”

He held up a 2016 photo of Mr Yousaf visiting the ferry yard to watch cash burn.

“We do not use props in the chamber,” sighed Presiding Officer Alison Johnstone.

“That is a sign of Douglas Ross’s desperation, his pathetic schoolboy tactics,” snapped Mr Yousaf as his opponent continued to flap the picture like the clown of Class 2B.

Scottish Labour’s Anas Sarwar was next with a quip.

”I know the First Minister has spent the last few weeks thinking about financial mismanagement and the criminal justice system, so I'll ask him about the overspend on the project to replace Barlinnie prison.”

It seems the bill for a new big hoose has got a lot bigger, up from £100m to £400m. It must be like a massive ferry that doesn’t go anywhere. Like all the other ferries. 

“Even an SNP treasurer could tell people those figures don’t add up,” snorted Mr Sarwar.

The last word went to Liberal Democrat Alex Cole-Hamilton, who talked a lot of... sewage.

Enough “to fill 19,000 Olympic-sized swimming pools” was dumped in Scotland’s rivers by the state-owned water company last year, he revealed.

He asked Mr Yousaf the question on the nation’s lips.

“How many swimming pools’ worth of poo is he content to see dumped on our best-loved beaches?”

The FM didn’t know. His job was just doing the crawl through every damn one of them every week.