King Charles poodle

EAGLE-eyed monarchists may have clocked Douglas Ross preening in the front row at the Coronation. Other Holyrood opposition leaders were lost in the back. So how did the Tory boss get a plum spot? By being mad keen to inhale some royalty, we hear. While others rocked up early morning, Dougie was there panting at breakfast time, as seats were first-come first-served within one’s allotted zone. (He was next to the door.) To his everlasting pain, Humza Yousaf was able to stroll in two hours later to take his pew.

Cave men 

TUESDAY saw a Holyrood debate on the Coronation. Liberal Democrat leader Alex Cole-Hamilton was particularly effusive about another attendee, the Australian musical genius Nick Cave. Not only is ACH a besotted fan, he managed to chat to his idol as the pair left the service. Was Cave going to the Coronation after-party? the MSP enquired. “Nah,” drawled the laconic legend. “I’m going to the toilet.”

No Keir bier here

Mr Yousaf may have been part of history, but he’s no student of it. At FMQs, he scoffed that “if Keir Hardie could see the state that the Labour Party is in now, he would be birling in his grave”. One small problem. He isn’t in a grave. “Keir Hardie was cremated,” Scottish Labour spinner Oliver Milne pointed out on Twitter, adding tastefully: “Which is what we’re going to do to the SNP at the next election.” Solid burn.

Broken Mike

SCOTTISH Labour seems very proud - yet oddly nervous - about teacher Michael Shanks being their candidate for the expected Rutherglen by-election. At a walkabout on Wednesday, bosses let him deliver a scripted statement to the press, but refused to allow questions. Perhaps because lots of local party members reckon his selection was a total stitch-up. “Really looking forward to going out and speaking to people and hearing the issues,” Mr Shanks parroted. Just as long as they’re not pesky journalists, it seems.

Sum cheek

AS well as carrying swords, Commons leader Penny Mordaunt is pretty nifty with a stiletto. On Thursday, SNP MP Deidre Brock praised her star turn at the Coronation, adding cattily: “There was tremendous upper body strength on show there, and with the added strain of having to remain silent virtually all afternoon - so well done her.” In reply, Ms Mordaunt congratulated the SNP on finally finding some auditors. Though not in Scotland. “The SNP had to go to Manchester to find someone willing to take on the task,” she jabbed back at Ms Brock. “Presumably she would view that as offshoring.” 

Green gauge

WRIT-happy Nat MP Joanna Cherry made waves this week with a threat to sue the club that axed her Fringe show. She famously has enemies in the SNP. But not just there, it seems. Green minister Lorna Slater also sounds hacked off with her erstwhile Indy ally. Asked on the radio for her thoughts on the Fringe row, she groaned: “Och, I’m not really interested in getting involved in Joanna Cherry's legal case. Joanna Cherry needs to have a think about what her priorities really are.” Like Yes unity, perhaps?