Hair apparent

UNWELCOME mental image of the week comes courtesy of the Alba party. The SNP’s troubles have boosted Alex Salmond’s rival band of Yessers, and seen the former First Minister back on the telly in a big way. Every politician gets a bit of make-up and a flick with a comb before they go before the cameras. But Unspun’s mole reports that before a recent TV appearance, Eck got something extra. His flunky not applied hairspray to the great man’s dome, but worked some into his famous eyebrows as well. Oh, the glamour of it.

Eh? Aye?

THERE were unexpected reports of intelligence in the Holyrood chamber on Wednesday, as Labour’s Martin Whitfield asked for a debate on the artificial kind. SNP minister George Adam was happy to agree to one next week. “We have to ensure… that we do not find ourselves all replaced by AI in some kind of dystopian future,” he warned, drawing on his dystopian present as the MSP for Paisley. “Who says we’ve not already been replaced?” said Labour’s Daniel Johnson. Thinking of the next election, SNP faces turned pale.

Meter made

THERE was also a glimpse of cybernetic horrors yet to come at Westminster on Tuesday, where the SNP’s Carol Monaghan had a topical question about energy. The Glasgow North West MP informed the House that the Ofgem watchdog had ordered that “prepayment meters should not be fitted to anybody over the age of 85”. It sounded jolly painful. The rest of us better watch out. 

Power cut

TALKING of energy, Aberdeenshire Tory MP Andrew Bowie has been reminiscing about his perfect job with Holyrood magazine. The UK minister for exports was driving in downtown Jakarta in an embassy Land Rover with outriders clearing the traffic and a Union flag on the bonnet and turned to his private secretary and said, “You know, I think I’ve got the best job in government.” The next week Rishi Sunak moved the cocky squirt to the nuclear power brief. “He must have had the car bugged,” he sighed. “But seriously, I’m loving it.” Yeah, right.

Brief encounter

MR BOWIE also spoke of his intense respect for Theresa May. When she was Prime Minister many moons ago, he was her parliamentary private secretary, and saw her Brexiteer-engineered downfall at first hand. She had a much rougher and nastier time than her successors, he said, skilfully hinting at his feelings for one of them in particular. “I’ve been in rooms with Boris," he said. "Maybe not so much with Liz because there wasn’t enough time…” Ouch. Now that’s how to shred a lettuce. 

Situation vacant

THE weekly spat between the SNP’s Deidre Brock and Commons leader Penny Mordaunt wasn’t quite as fiery as usual, alas, on Thursday as Ms Brock broke the fourth wall and started describing the action. “The Leader of the House will once again ignore my question and instead read a pre-prepared script for the latest of her routine videos attacking Scotland’s elected Government,” she complained. Ms Mordaunt gamely persisted, however, attacking the SNP’s record on a host of issues which Ms Brock seemed intent on ignoring. “I admire the honourable Lady’s consistency in her lack of situational awareness,” she purred.