DOUGLAS Ross waved his short fuse in our faces at FMQs.

The Tory leader was livid. At everything. His little round cheeks fizzed with fury. Confusion haunted his button eyes.

As he got more frantic, it became harder not to cry out.

‘For the love of God, won’t somebody call a vet? That hamster’s got a thorn in its paw.’ 

It started sedately enough with Glasgow’s new Low Emission Zone, the anti-pollution penalty wheeze turning old cars into new money for the city council. 

Mr Ross asked Humza Yousaf how many bangers were denied an exemption.

The First Minister didn’t know stuff like that, but he did know how to hoof Tories.

Every time the SNP had a good idea on the environment, that lot opposed it, he said.

“I really hope the First Minister will start answering questions rather than telling opposition leaders what they should be asking,“ Mr Ross fumed, claiming the LEZ policy was a mess. 

“SNP members are saying that’s an exaggeration,” he gabbled on, as Nats dared to groan. 

“Joe FitzPatrick, a Government minister, wants to shout me down while I am speaking!”

Mr FitzPatrick stopped shouting and started smirking.

Mr Ross claimed a Glasgow charity for the homeless was denied an LEZ exemption for a refrigerated van that helped feed 300 people a day. What did the FM think of that?

Mr Yousaf thought they wouldn’t have to feed 300 people a day if it wasn’t for the Tories.

Mr Ross started pointing wildly at his enemies, cheeks vibrating in rage.

SNP education secretary Jenny Gilruth rolled her eyes and looked bored.

Mr Ross couldn’t take it. The hamster spun off its wheel.

“Now it’s cabinet secretaries who don’t want to hear,” he eeked. “Jenny Gilruth used to be the transport minister. She should be listening to the points I’m making.”

We were all listening, mate. We just couldn’t believe it. 

Mr Yousaf reeled off a slew of stats about the LEZ. After complaining about not getting enough info, Mr Ross complained about too much.

“The only thing that answer proved is it took until question three for Humza Yousaf to find his pre-prepared script.”

A smiling FM kept knocking the Tories, somehow shoehorning in a moan about London not giving a “single penny” to a carbon capture scheme near Aberdeen.

Mr Ross’s face inflated with indignation. It was getting “mulllions”, he shouted.

Presiding Officer Alison Johnstone grabbed the bairns by the lugs

“We are not going to continue in this vein,” she told them.

“We are representatives of the people of Scotland and we are sitting in the national Parliament.”

It felt more like a Low Enlightenment Zone. And no one came close to breaking the rules.