A Hard Day’s Bite

OUR sprightlier readers may not have heard of The Beatles, so here’s a useful description.

Imagine Taylor Swift. Now subtract sparkly dress and add a sober suit. Multiply by four. Modify genders.

Grab a bunch of mops from a cleaner’s closet. Toss the mop handles in a nearby skip. Plonk what’s left on top of the sober suited gents. And there you have it… The Beatles.

Reader Moira Campbell certainly remembers the legendary Liverpool lads.

She’s quite the committed fan, and suggests that meal-times would be a happier place if snack shops offered a special treat of Yellow Submarine rolls, oozing English mustard.

“Or for those with posher tastebuds,” adds Moira, “an All You Need is Lovage roll.”

Woeful winning ways

A FEW nights after the Auld Enemy's easy triumph at Hampden, a Falkirk reader, out for a stroll, was examining an information board about the Battle of Falkirk Muir. (January 1746. But you knew that, right?) An older chap, walking his dog, passed by, and saw what our fellow was reading.

"That was probably the last time Scotland ever beat England," he sighed.

The name game

WE mentioned the manipulation of footballer’s names for entertainment value.

Brian Logan from Langside recalls an amateur footy league in the Glasgow area where the teams were given amusing monikers.

Among the ones he remembers were Inter Milanda, Unreal Madrid and The Bodyswervers.

His personal favourite was a team named in celebration of a beverage adored by the tippling classes… Third Lanliq.

(You had to have a lot of bottle to play for that crew.)

Fighting talk

WE told the torrid tale of a feisty fracas between a pickled patron of a pub and a bouncer.

Which reminds Ben Lister of the time he witnessed an inebriated chap threatening the doorman of his local boozer.

The doorman merely sneered, then said to the drunkard: “Dinnae be an eejit, son. You couldnae win a boxing match with a piñata.”

Apple doesn’t apply

PERUSING a Scottish social media site, reader David Donaldson alighted on a true story about an elderly Glaswegian holidaying in New York with his missus.

While waiting for a bus, the wife reached into her handbag and brought out their Scottish free travel bus passes.

Hubby gently explained they wouldn’t be valid in the Big Apple.

A bit puzzled, she replied: “How no?”

Coining curtailed

THOUGHTFUL reader Jennifer Waugh says: “I bet the person who coined the term ‘One Hit Wonder’ never came up with another catchy phrase.”