Orwell and good

THE Diary is thrilled about the recent return of reality TV show Big Brother. Not thrilled enough to watch it, mind you.

That’s only because we’re busy at the moment, with other pressing concerns, such as picking lint from our bellybuttons, or staring vacantly into the middle distance.

Besides, viewing a great work of art, such as Big Brother, isn’t really necessary. It’s enough that we know it exists, making the world a better place by its presence, much like that painting of a smirking lady that hangs in the Louvre.

Big Brother is such an important cultural artefact that a sneaky scribbler named George Orwell once nicked its central idea to use in a book.

Luckily nobody would dare attempt to replicate the Diary’s tales. That’s because we are sui generis - impossible to imitate.

Plus we’d send our work experience girl, Stanley Knife Sally, round to have a little word with any reckless plagiarist.

The following classic tales from our archives prove just how unique we truly are…

What’s up, doc?

IN the days of National Service a few crafty souls attempted to dodge their duty on medical grounds.

One chap was getting checked up to ascertain if he was fit for uniform.

“When I speak, can you hear me clearly, or is it just a murmur?” asked the doc.

“Just a murmur,” came the reply.

“Perfect hearing, then,” said the doc.

Animal magic

AN impressed reader said: “It never fails to amaze me that a penguin wrote all those books.”

Family resemblance

A BIG bear of a chap was spotted at a Dundee hospital, clearly delighted by the birth of his son.

Holding the little one, he noticed the baby had an identification bracelet firmly attached to its ankle.

“Just like daddy!” beamed the big fella, as he raised his trouser leg to show off his own electronic anklet, put there by the courts to limit his time away from home.

Flat-out exhausted

THE Red Road flats were once the tallest flats in Europe, and author Alison Irvine interviewed departing residents, a short time before their homes were demolished.

“Once there was a power cut,” one of them recalled. “No lights and no lift. I walked up 27 storeys. But I was up the wrong flat. I had to walk down again and up the other one.”

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Windy woes

AN Ayrshire reader was discussing bad weather buffeting the south, when a friend piped up: “Aye, it’s like the seven plagues in biblical Egypt. God’s way of telling the English: ‘Let my people go.’”

Rip off robbery

A READER asked if we’d heard about the two thieves who stole a calendar. They each got six months.