LINLITHGOW and Falkirk MP Martyn Day has undergone an irony bypass, judging by his recent Twitter output. The bearded Nat was moaning about a flight from Edinburgh to London requiring passengers to “go through Border control. Oh the joys. Thanks BA and Heathrow Airport”. Of course, the SNP would never create any pesky borders. His snap of the control post also clearly showed the instruction “No photography”. D’oh!

THE Scottish Tory conference’s cancellation by the Beast from the East deprived delegates of one of their annual treats, the Blue Revue Big Quiz. A boozy late-night shambles, it features MSP Jackson Carlaw channelling his inner Nicholas Parsons to great effect. The conference guide stated all proceeds would have gone to “XXXXXXX charity”. Really, we know they’re Tories, but must they be so mean about ****ing charity?

TALKING of Tory fundraisers, we see former spindoctor Ramsay Jones is coming to the aid of impecunious toffs Scotland in Union. The anti-independence outfit is hoping punters will hand over £20 to hear “Rammers” at Aberdeen Cricket Club. The blurb suggests it’s a bit of a rush job. “Ramsay's talk will cover his time in Downing Street as an adviser to Davis Cameron,” it says. Or perhaps they mean David David...

LOCK up your milk! Here comes Gillian Martin, Aberdeenshire East's unlikely answer to Maggie Thatcher. The SNP MSP used to teach TV production at North East Scotland College, and told Holyrood magazine two of her party colleagues once met a former student on the train. “Gillian Martin?” the person recalled, before exclaiming: “My goodness, the Iron Bitch!” It was said with affection, allegedly.

UNSPUN tips its hat to Labour spindoctor Alan Roden for crushing it on Twitter this week. Regurgitating party propaganda about tuition fees, tiresome SNP digital boss Ross Colquhoun opined: “The harsh reality is that I would would not have been able to afford to go to university were it not for the SNP.” At which Roddo asked why Mr Colquhoun’s online CV said he started Uni in 2005, after the Lab/LibDem coalition scrapped upfront fees and before the SNP were in power. Answer came there none...

THE Lord Advocate, James Wolffe QC, had a sweaty time defending the SNP’s Brexit Bill. There are a few lawyers among the Tory MSPs, and most reckon his case is “weak”. The one who flustered him most was advocate Donald Cameron, who had him wittering about hypotheticals. It’s his own fault. Mr Wolffe was previously Mr Cameron’s “devilmaster”, helping his legal education. It seems the pupil has returned to bite his teacher.

ARCH SNP chunterer Stewart Stevenson came a cropper in a Holyrood debate on healthy eating. Eyeing deputy presiding officer Christine Grahame, he said he was the only MSP who remembered rationing “apart from someone in front of me, perhaps”. There was certainly no sugar in her reply. “The ground is gradually opening up under your feet, Mr Stevenson,” growled the sprightly 73-year-old.

LEAK of the week award goes to Labour MSP Neil Findlay. As his party’s spokesperson on Brexit, he was given advance notice that the Scottish Government would introduce its own Brexit continuity bill. He promptly forwarded it to everyone working at Holyrood. “I offer my apologies for my appalling keyboard skills - mea culpa,” he muttered sheepishly to the Presiding Officer.