HOW do I feel, you ask after 100 days in office? Well, to be honest I’m laughing like a British Gas bailiff. And I’ve already lasted twice as long as Lettuce Liz.
As you know, the century in office is a benchmark moment defined by President Roosevelt who passed 77 laws in that time frame and revived the economy of the United States.
And I have to say, my achievements are even more colossal. Didn’t I throw Zahawi’s backside in the dumpster the minute I discovered that he could seriously cost us votes?
And even though half a million strikers took to the streets this week, didn’t I manage to skirt around that really well at Prime Minister’s Questions? Here was me thinking I’d be pulled apart for the government’s inability to negotiate ourselves out of a national disaster and instead I managed to tease Sir Keir into goading me about Nadhim.
If Sir Squeaky really wanted to watch me squirm he should have copied Piers Morgan’s question style; when he asked if I were “stinking rich” all I could say was I’m “financially fortunate”.
Yes, it will be seen as a euphemism. What I should have done was lean into the remark, channel Harry Enfield’s Loadsamoney character and say “Stinking rich? I’m more minted than a Peppermint Aero factory. I wipe my backside with 20 quid notes. I make Michelle Mone look like she works in the Barras at weekends.”
But then Starmer wasn’t going to copy Piers, was he? He’s hardly a foodbank regular himself. So he had to resort to having a go at me about my bestie Dominic, and the fact there are one or two – ok, 24 – accusations of bullying under investigation.
Yet, I am convinced that my Deputy Prime Minister is an acutely sensitive guy. In fact, between you and me, just the other day when he flashed a flighty karate kick in front of my nose, all very Jean Claude van Damme Hollywood, I barely noticed the tip of his brown brogues touch the edge of my nose.
You see, everybody loves Dom. Except perhaps those feminists he described as obnoxious bigots. And the “Game of Thrones” footballers who take the knee. And the foodbanks users “with cash flow problems”. But we do love someone with a voice, don’t we? Except Rod Stewart.
But back to me. In just 100 days, I’ve overseen the much-needed rise in interest rates, which will batter down inflation. Sure, it will punish those with mortgages, which will lead to greater personal debt and possibly higher pay demands and even greater inflation, but isn’t this the wonderful circle of life that Elton once sang about?
What? You suggest my disregard for Shell’s £32billion profits to be symptomatic of my disconnect with the lives of ordinary people, that I’m about as appealing as a puffer coat and as likely to win an election as Gary Glitter is of landing work at Alton Towers?
We’ll see. As Elton also sang, I’m Still Standing. That’s what counts.
As imagined by Brian Beacom
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