HAPPY days! I don’t think I’ve felt this good since my dad stepped aside and gave me his lovely warm seat.

What? You want to know why, and wonder if Gerry Rafferty’s Stuck In The Middle is blaring a little too loudly? Isn’t it obvious? The Big Labour Party is leaping ahead these days, thanks to the Tories’ self-inflicted disasters, Sir Keir’s breathtakingly banal speeches, and nicking a little bit of Tory ideology.

But while the boss once gave up on Scotland, it’s changed days. Watching the SNP’s leading lights attack each other is like the Mexican stand-off scene in Reservoir Dogs. Nicola announces her exit then hands John Swinney a revolver to shoot Kate Forbes – is Mr Swinney the turnip Therese Coffey was talking about this week when she explained how to fix the food shortages in the UK?

And just for good measure, while Kate’s recovering from Mr Swinney’s attack, he maintains that her religious position on matters such as same sex marriage and gender recognition are “not matters of faith”. This is all wonderful. The SNP is now faith divided, Church of Scotland v Free Church.

And there’s Humza. He’s also a fantastic man of faith whom no one except Nicola has any faith in. But he maintained this week that his faith doesn’t get in the way of politics and legislation. Except it does, because it’s been claimed he scootered out of Holyrood before the final vote on gay marriage, lest he take a skelping from his imam.

If you go to the movies to watch Guardians of the Galaxy during a vote on a major equality issue of equality, are you not legislating your way into the record books as a two-faced plook? He’s also saying all this was years ago. And why should it be brought up now just because he’s been giving Kate Forbes a doing?

But am I happy that Kate Forbes is now in front of the poll of SNP supporters? You bet. That means the infighting will continue. Oh, what fun if she becomes First Minister and we await her plans to deal with the Gender Recognition Act, or moves to make gay conversion clinics illegal?

And there’s Ash Regan. She’s trying to assume the healing role, but will a poultice protect her if she infects her party with Alba? And what will she do about the LGBTQ-plus lot? Okay, I’m a little worried about her in the sense she’s as circumspect as Sir Keir, and way lass autocratic than Nicola.

But then Nicola isn’t going away. She’s taking up a position on the grassy knoll, sharply focused on those she sees as a threat. Until the book deal comes in of course, which is all to the good.

What a state we’re living in. Religious divide, petty jealousies, the SNP’s so-called progressiveness called into question with the realisation we’re a wonderfully intolerant little country?

To be honest, I just couldn’t be happier.

As imagined by Brian Beacom