Scotland – a region somewhere up north, M’lud – has been much in the “national” news this week. Vexation abounds in yon SNP about how to bring about independence.

Here’s the answer: make every Scot watch Scottish Questions in the House of Commons. Truly, it is Comedy Half-Hour.

Yesterday, the peculiar palaver began with Secretary for Scotchland, Alister “Union” Jack, congratulating Humza Yousaf on becoming First Minister.

“I heard him say that he wanted to put the independence drive into fifth gear,” quoth the leading comic, “and I would gently remind him that most Scots want him to put it into reverse.” Clutching at straws, if I might continue the driving analogy.

Former minister to the Scotch, David “Fluffy” Mundell, averred that the People’s Humza would have to “up his game”, reminding astute observers of Carry On Up The Khyber. Recall the Khasi of Kalabar, during diplomatic niceties, wishing the god Shivoo’s blessings on Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond’s house. Sir Sidney: “And on yours.”

Khasi: “And may his radiance light up your life.” Sir Sidney: “And up yours.”

There followed a procession of English Tory MPs radiating more heat than light about Scotia. Bob Blackman wanted the Barnett Formula reviewed. Robin Millar said Westminster had saved us from the SNP’s gender woo-woo. Robbie Moore said the SNP should focus on health, jobs and yada-yada, instead of “another divisive independence referendum”.

Kevin Foster waffled about “working together … rather than following the separatist path of division”. Scott Benton said the Budget had strengthened the Union. I see.

Ian Murray – hang on, he’s not a Tory but Labour’s shadow Scottish secretary (selected from a talent pool of one) – took up Alister’s motoring reference, adding: “But I think he [Humza] might have crashed that car.”

Mr Jack accelerated wildly: “My assessment is that the Union is strong, as is support for the Union.” Ensuing Nat hullabaloo prompted Alister to add dreamily: “Oh yes, strong. Very, very strong.” He seemed to have got on to the subject of toilet paper.

Pete Wishart (SNP) tore Alister off a strip about the Union’s greatest recent achievement. What was it? Brexit? Mr Jack wondered why, on this occasion, Pete wasn’t call for a Brexit referendum rerun, given the 52 to 48 result. Same as the SNP leadership election, see?

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More racket prompted Deputy Speaker Eleanor Laing to intervene thus: “Scottish Questions are VERY IMPORTANT … There are subtleties in the questions and the answers that people are missing.” Subtleties? I wondered what the noises were. I thought it was just wind.

Union Jack reminded rebellious Scots that the constitution was “entirely reserved to the United Kingdom Government”, so Nats should just do “the day job”. That’s odd. The UK Government has spent years wrangling over Brexit’s constitutional complications. How has it managed to do the day job?

All this Caledonian clowning was the comical warm-up for Prime Minister’s Questions. With Keir Starmer at the funeral of much-loved former Speaker, Baroness Betty Boothroyd, Labour was represented by his deputy, Angela Rayner, while Dominic Raab stood in for the PM.

Opening on anti-social behaviour, Angela noted cheekily that Big Raab knew all about “intimidating behaviour … exploding with fits of rage, creating a culture of fear and maybe, I dunno, throwing things”. This referred to allegations of bullying against the Domster. Subtle, see?

Big Raab, a hard man with a granite face, retorted that at least “I have never called anyone ‘scum’”. As Angela had. Ouchy. This subtlety was painful.

Angela said anti-social behaviour was not just happening among the Tories but “across the country”. And they say Conservatives aren’t representative of the nation.

Mhairi Black, the SNP’s deputy Westminster leader, brought up recent evidence of former top Tories touting their wisdom to third parties for tens of thousands of pounds. She wondered what Dominic’s going rate would be “when he is eventually booted out of office”.

Mhairi said the people of Britain were “being led by donkeys”. And, she should have added, they know hee-haw about Scotland.

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The Raabster said Conservatives had tightened up lobbying rules, before quickly changing the subject to Humza: “We welcome him to his place.” Not a wise choice of words.

Worse was to come. When Labour’s Chris Bryant paid tribute to the late Paul O’Grady (aka Lily Savage), big macho Raab enthusiastically joined in with fulsome praise, saying: “Paul Grayson was an incredible comedian.”

Possibly, he was confusing him with Larry Grayson, a pioneer of, er, effete (help me out here) comedy. Ach well. Appearing with so many flamboyant comics every day at Britain’s top comedy venue, we can forgive Raab the confusion.