As imagined by Brian Beacom

FIRST of all, I reject the accusation that I have personally caned the backsides of 23,000 people in a single day, and that the Guinness Book of Records have already been in touch.

The Guinness Book representatives have not yet called, although I admit that could happen any moment.

But, of course, you wish to comprehend why I, as Chief Constable of Police Scotland would claim the Force to be "institutionally, racist, sexist and misogynistic?"

You may well argue, as representatives of the Police Federation have that, as a result, every one of our serving officers will suffer at the very least a fleshy-pink rear end.

And because I’ve already been in the top job five years – and set to exit in August – I’m considered by some as a ‘handwringing, buck-passing, headline-grabbing, self-aggrandising s**t shifter.’

Look, as the headmaster, I get it – you want to know why I didn’t get the cane out sooner and tell the culprits to touch their toes, having been told by an independent review group of accounts of racism, sexism and homophobia by serving officers.

And in 2020, Dame Elish Angiolini’s report criticised Police Scotland over racism and homophobia.

Well, I can’t give you an answer, but I will say that this week I felt compelled to call it as I see it.

Maybe I was inspired by the unbridled honesty of Brian Cox when he said Logan Roy was killed off too soon.

Perhaps it was the Phillip Schofield in me who recognised the game was up? Who knows? What I do know is that deep-rooted barriers need to be removed to make Scotland’s policing anti-racist.

And yes, I can anticipate your next question; ‘Chief Constable, sir, if these deep-rooted barriers to equality and justice exist, then then surely that’s because they’ve been bolstered by individuals?

So, it’s not “structures” and “barriers” that are the problem, but dinosaur blokes who were probably bullied at school, and are getting their own back on the world?’

And I’m assuming your follow-up to be, ‘Sir Iain, sir, the public don’t always get your level of nuance. If you are suggesting that, institutionally speaking, your officers have copies of Mein Kampf on their bookshelves or posters of Andrew Tate on their walls, they’re not going to think “institutionally.”'

They’ll think what they’ve always thought; the real problem is why do you allow these cretins to become policemen in the first place?

Well, again, I have to say in my bid to be honest and transparent about the state of policing in Scotland, I must be honest and say I honestly can’t answer that question either.

But what I will say is that sometimes when you can’t figure out who the boy who’s been letting off the stink bomb happens to be, you just have to take a less-than-nuanced cane to the lot of them.

And if that doesn’t work, at least you’ve made it clear the class is stinking.